WATCH: The Italian Spider-Man (Complete Uncut Movie)

See, I don't give a FUCK about the new Spider-Man film because a: it was only made so that Columbia could retain rights to the thing and not give it back to Marvel, who have proven themselves ace at making movies about their own characters and b: they've completely fucked the costume up. Straight lines on the mask? Get the fuck out of here with your wack ass bullshit fool!

But this Italian Spiderman shit, this I can get with. Not only does it look amazing, but the music is entirely excellent to boot. And not a straight lined web in sight. Over to Comics Alliance, who explain:

"Originally produced as a trailer for a nonexistent exploitation flick that had been lost to the ages, Italian Spiderman became so successful as a YouTube hit that the South Australian Film Corporation gave the producers money to make a full-length film. Now, the whole thing has been released to the web in a Complete and Uncut form, and it's in the running for the best thing you'll see all week. Clear out the next 40 minutes and watch it after the cut!

The plot follows Italian Spiderman, who is consistently referred to as "Italian Spiderman" in one of the film's best recurring gags. Despite his name, and his obvious connection to his unmustachioed American counterpart, Italian Spiderman doesn't seem to have many spider-related powers -- it's a little more than halfway in before he uses some kind of telepathy to command a spider to attack one of his captors.

What he lacks in wall-crawling, though, he makes up for in other powers that are added seemingly at random over the course of the film. He can decapitate a man with a single karate chop, teleport, fix a chicken with a stare so intense that it lays a pack of cigarettes instead of an egg, and -- perhaps most amazingly -- summon penguins to attack bikini girls. It's a pretty great set of powers, which comes in handy when you're fighting someone as devious as the rudo mastermind Captain Maximum:

Unfortunately -- and perhaps fittingly -- there isn't likely to be any more Italian Spiderman after this. But take heart! For one thing, the creators have moved on to the similarly awesome Danger 5, done in the same retro-exploitation style, but with the added bonus of being about five men killing Hitler.

Plus, even with only forty minutes to his name, I think we've all learned a lesson from Italian Spiderman:

Seriously, to parapharse Benito Cereno: If this summer's Amazing Spider-Man movie is half as good as its "Italian" counterpart, then it'll be the second-best Spider-Man movie ever made."

Read the full article at Comics Alliance.