Mandelson Makes Deal With Geffen At Rothschild Villa To Ruin Our Lives

mander The goverment will today announce "tough new legislation" designed to stop people downloading stuff without paying for it, by having their internet connection cut off if they do. UN-WAVY, government! Don't you think you're unpopular enough?

This comes after Dark Lord Peter "Ecstasy" Mandelson met with The Evil David Geffen earlier this month at Nat Rothschild's villa in Corfu.

"I AM VERY ANGRY WITH THIS YOU SNIVELING LITTLE PRICK!" screamed Mr Geffen, after taking a big bite out of a 6 month old half-human, half-alien hybrid baby's fat little belly. "SORT IT OUT OR ELSE YOU WILL FEEL MY UNGODLY AND STICKY WRATH!"

"Yeth mathter," said Dark Lord Peter, and went back to Britainland, where he ordered civil servants at the Department of Business , Innovation and Skills to toughen up the proposals on illegal file-sharers.

"The previous proposals, whilst robust, would take an unacceptable amount of time to complete in a situation that calls for urgent action," it says in Ye Evile Government's draft plan.

"This policy u-turn seems to have taken place as the result of a few  private conversations," said Jim Killock, executive director of the Open Rights Group, which campaigns to raise awareness of digital rights and civil liberties issues. "Suspension of internet access would restrict people's fundamental right to freedom of expression [ad-free episodes of 24 and the new U2 album]. It would also fly in the face of the Government's policy of universal broadband access. It smacks of a knee-jerk reaction at a time when copyright infringement is reducing and online revenues are increasing. (Dark Lord) Mandelson risks bringing copyright into disrepute."

However, the British Phonographic Industry (BPI), which represents the recorded music industry fat rich old white pederasts, welcomed the move as a helpful "step forward" in the fight against piracy.

"Digital piracy is a serious problem and a real threat to the UK's creative industries," snivelled BPI chief executive Geoff Taylor, droolishly. "We welcome the Government's recognition that this problem needs to be addressed urgently, so today is a step forward that should help the legal digital market to grow for consumers [us make loads more moneys in the only way we know how]. The solution to the piracy problem must be effective, proportionate and dissuasive. We look forward to working with Government and ISPs on the details of these proposals to ensure these objectives are met."

Good luck dickheads!