From The Daily Mash: THE mystery of where all the money has gone was solved today as BP announced profits of £1200 a second.
Economists, baffled at the disappearance of more than £1.8 trillion in the last 12 months, now believe it is sitting safely in the account of the multinational oil giant.
Bill McKay, chief economist at Donelly-McPartlin, said: "I'm so relieved. We've been looking for this money for ages.
"Some claimed it had been abducted by aliens, while others insisted it had been stolen by pirates and buried under a palm tree in the Caribbean.
"But I always had a feeling that BP would have it. You see, money is a bit like a salmon. It swims around in the ocean for a while but sooner or later it always finds it's way back to BP."
Meanwhile the company has produced a new promotional video of chief executive Tony Hayward explaining how the company can now afford to buy a Sony Bravia 46-inch LCD TV from Comet every second.
Mr Hayward is then seen clicking his fingers at regular intervals while saying, 'there's another one, and another one'.
Chancellor Alistair Darling said: "So basically, you privatise something that ends up making £1200 a second and you nationalise something that loses £1200 a second.
"Swings and bastarding roundabouts."