AWK: How To Gain Weight

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Useful Tips From the Stars! How To Get Fat When Andrew W.K. decided to “take up a little more space in the world,” he was 170 pounds. Now, the six-foot-three singer weighs 203 — just 12 pounds from his goal. Here, he shows how to get the most out of gluttony! By Victoria DeSilverio Blender, October 2003

1. EAT WHILE YOU EAT! “We have two hands for a reason. If you’re eating a burger, take it in one hand and scoop up chips or coleslaw with the other. While you’re taking a bite of the burger, get ready to eat out of the other hand. Also, never walk away from the table empty-handed! Have fists full of food: cookies, protein bars, milkshakes!”

2. ONLY EAT! “While you’re eating, you may be compelled to take a sip of a beverage or to have conversation. These are time wasters! Drinks should be turned into food. Milk is perfect — it has lots of fat, and it freezes nicely. Once it’s frozen, crumble it over your food. Also, don’t risk losing interest by eating something ‘healthy’ — ever!”

3. DO SUPER SQUATS! “I am not here to intimidate. I am not a musclehead. I am simply concerned with having that scale say a higher number than before. Don’t let people stop you from doing super squats — this exercise will build mass. That way, when you throw yourself against a wall, you can feel that wall give in as it should!”

4. TIMING IS EVERYTHING! “Eat right before you go to bed. Consume as many late-night carbs as you can. Ideally, you should want to puke before you go to bed. Mix up a milkshake with dehydrated milk, protein powder, chicken, whatever! Get the job done. As you lie down for sleep, you should feel the milkshake building up to the back of the throat.”