spider man

Five Reasons I Don't Wanna See The Amazing Spider-Man Movie

From The Huffington Post, who have elected to give me a platform on which to moider about stuff. Holla if there's anything you want covering!

So-called summer in this auspicious year of our lord, 2012, of which the Mayans predicted the dawning of a new global consciousness, Rik Clay (RIP) predicted a staged alien invasion/rapture event at the London Olympics, and a bunch of 15th Century monks predicted that the final pope, Petrus Romanus, AKA the Anti Christ, would come to power. A year in which the lizard rulers of this wet island so angered the Skygod he got all old testament Biblical on our asses and hit us with three months worth of rain in a week in June.

The killers in high places scream their prayers from the rooftops. Bad Craziness, Psychotic Negligence and Flagrant Wealth Reconsolidation are the orders of the day amongst The Powers That Be, and so too Bread And Circuses - the Roman practice of keeping the drooling proletariat fat and distracted in an orgy of gluttony and lowest common denominator entertainment - is at an all time high. BREAD! AND CIRCUSES! IS AT AN ALL! TIME HIGH! I feel a chorus coming on.

In a year that's already brought us The Avengers (amazing) and Prometheus (Chris de Burgh's A Spaceman Came Travelling stretched out for two hours) the Circuses element of the equation shows no sign of abating any time soon. The Dark Knight Rises in a few weeks, but first, we have Sony's The Amazing Spider-Man.

Now, it should be noted here that Spider-Man was my most very favouritest superhero of all when I was growing up. Pretty much the first thing I can remember is Spider-Man. My mum painted him on my wall when I was an infant. I was drawing him from the moment I could wield a crayon.

When I was seven I was in Liverpool children's hospital because the hole in my dick mysteriously disappeared, but the whole thing was worthwhile because my dad got me a pile of American comics, among those the Todd McFarlane period Amazing Spider-Man, which burned neural pathways in my brain that remain to this day.

I will never forget the fear I felt as Venom chased that homeless man through the sewer, or the terrified awe that image of the Lizard gripping Spidey by the throat, mask torn, inspired in me. I even played my first rap show in a child's Spider-Man outfit, so nervous/drunk/high that I puked through the mask on the support band's bass amp.

Therefore, you'd be forgiven for assuming your humble narrator to be excited as a politician in a pile of babies at the prospect of this brand new Spider-Man movie. But despite my legendary optimism - my tankard remains always half full, and even the blackest of clouds lined with platinum - I am not excited about this movie at all. I probably won't even bother to see it, unless loads of people who's opinions I value say its amazing. And here are five reasons why:

1: It's not being made because a bunch of people really wanted, more than anything else, to tell the best Spider-Man story they could on the sliver screen. It's being made to stop the rights to the character reverting from Sony back to Marvel. Who, as we have seen, make much better superhero movies than Sony. Because of this movie, we won't see Spider-Man in any Avengers or Avengers-related movies for at least the next decade.

2: As a reboot, we are once again going to be told the Spider-Man origin story. And as great an origin story as it is, I think I've seen and read it enough times for one lifetime. It's only 10 years since the last big screen Spider-Man origin movie. And while there are a couple of welcome changes in this reboot - the Who Were His Parents angle, the re-assertion of Peter Parker as a science genius, creating his own web shooters like he did in the comics - I don't care. There's 40 plus years of Spider-Man stories out there and you want to tell the first one yet again?

3: The director. This noob's only directed one movie (the rom-com 500 Days of Summer) along with a blizzard of cookie cutter major label music videos for people like Diddy and Maroon 5 and Nelly. And I'm pretty sure the only reason he was hired was because his name is Marc Webb.

4: The lead actor. Or more specifically his hair. Every time he takes his mask off in the trailer or any photos I've seen his hair seems to magically bounce into this amazing sculpted foux messy quiff, rather than clinging damply to his head, as anyone that's worn a Spider-Man mask for any protracted length of time can tell you is what happens.

5: Last, and by no means least, in fact most importantly by 17 light years: The Costume. Spider-Man's costume is indisputably the greatest superhero costume of all time. Steve Ditko's design is flawless in every aspect, and while over the past 40 plus years countless artists have tried improving it, they've always reverted to the original design.

One of the main reasons I didn't care for the last batch of Spider-Man films (despite the second being very good) was the stupid web piping on the costume that made the lines look white half the time. But this one is worse. This one dispenses with the best thing about Ditko's costume design - the curved webbing. The curved webbing, in this new incarnation... is straight! Why? Why do such a horrible thing? It looks worse!It looks like when a kid tries to draw Spider-Man for the first time and just does a grid! He looks like he's wearing a trellis! It looks like gaudy red plaid! It is an outrage and an insult!

I can't think of a single reason to do this other than the designers wanted to feel like they'd contributed something artistic, like the needless reinventions of Giger's perfect xenomorph design in all the Alien sequels. Its needless vanity and foolishness on the part of the movie's creators, and I can't see me being able to watch the film without being constantly distracted by that outrageous obscenity.

So there you go. As I said, I'm a Plenty More Room In The Jar For More Booze type of a fellow, and I can just as easily thinking of five reason the movie might be great, but that's another post, and regardless, I'm still too scarred from what Ridley Scott and Damon Lindyhop did to me with Prometheus. So I'm going nowhere near this movie unless a whole load of people whose opinions I deem worthy of consideration tell me it's amazing. So if you can find it in your heart to look past the trellis and watch the thing, let me know.

PAX!

Woo Hoo! Peter Bagge's Hulk Finally Came Out!

On the week that Disney bought Marvel, something I'd given up hope ever happening happened - Peter Bagge's Incorrigible Hulk came out. Woo!

But first...

Spider-Man Tries To Fit In In The Land Of The Spider-People!

spider-man

Ahahahaha! Stupid Spider-Man!

So, yeah, Bagge's The Incorrigible Hulk was the follow up to his The Megalomaniacal Spider-Man, that never came out because Marvel thought it was too fucked up, or something. But no longer! Times and tastes have shifted a little, and the first part of it came out last week, as part of the Marvel Knights title Strange Tales #1, which also features ace strips like the aforementioned Welcome To Spider-Town, by ace indie comix folks like...

Paul Pope! Peter Bagge! Molly Crabapple & John Leavitt! Junko Mizuno! Dash Shaw! James Kochalka! Johnny Ryan! Michael Kupperman! Nick Bertozzi! Nicholas Gurewich!

Yes indeed. Gurewitch did Hulk and Wolverine. Look!

thebluehair

Oh Logan! When will you learn?!

Anyway. Hulk. Bagge. Yes. It's being serialised over the three issues of Strange Tales we've been promised, which will be collected in a handy trade paperback, Strange Tales Max TPB in March 2010. Which seems ages away, but actually isn't. Yikes.

And was it worth the wait? Well, first off, I read every other strip in Strange Tales #1 first, like a small boy eating around his steak cos he knows how awesome its going to taste. They're all brilliant, perversely enough. From Johny Ryan's Marvel's Most Embarrassing Moments...

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...to Nick Bertozzi's pathos infused mini-masterpiece My Lover Modok...

1995

...shit remains thoroughly fly, throughout. Hell, by the time I got to Hulk, I thought, well, even if it's a massive disappointment, this has still been a thoroughly excellent comic book, and I can't wait for issue 2.

But guess what?

PETER BAGGE'S HULK WAS NOT A MASSIVE DISAPPOINTMENT!

IT WAS ACE!

IT MADE ME LAUGH OUT LOUD TILL A BIT OF WEE CAME OUT!

(Yeah, it made me LOLTABOWCO. Yeah I just invented an acronym. Yeah, you wait till you hear that on a bus coming out of the mouth of a hot person and you get to go, "I totally know the guy that invented that amazing acronym!" and they're like, "wow, have all my money and my loving.")

hulk

AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Funny Hulk! Hulk say make healthy lifestyle choices from now on or HULK SMASH!

Thank goodness for that, eh?

Peter Bagge: The Megalomaniacal Spider-man

The-megalomaniacal-spider-manRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Seriously, I have been looking for this for years. YEARS. Everytime i go past a comic shop, i go in, and ask if they've got this. or any new Evan Dorkin. They never have either. And mostly they have never heard of either. Comic shops seem to mainly sell really expensive toys these days anyway. One of my ambitions as a kid was to have my own shop, that sold comics and records and huge goggles. I figured I could hang out all day reading comics and smoking fags and chatting up hot geek chicks. Maybe I'd live upstars, and have a studio up there or something.

One day, maybe. Right now I think there might be few dumber ideas than opening a comic shop in today's economic climate. Maybe joining the BNP (and asking for "absolute confidentiality"), or becoming President. Or a rapper. Loffaloffagus. Anyway - fie on all those useless comic shop dorks! Where they failed, my pal Colin has succeeded, and I now have a copy of Peter Bagge's The Megalomaniacal Spider-Man (yeah it's digital, but sheeet, at least i can read the thing!). Let us party like it weas 2099 and we were all Andrew WK!

Awooga!

Yes. And while the  Yousendit link lasts, you should all get it too. It is, after all, a comic book by Peter Bagge about Spider-Man. As if it's not amazing! Huzzah! Let's all call Colin a  G! G! G! G!

Joys of the internet Number 395

Joys of the internet Number 395: Videos One Never Knew Existed

This joint here was my favourite off of this compliation album called Saturday Morning Cartoons' Greatest Hits I stole copped from this record shop I used to work in back in the late nineties. Aside from having an awesome sleeve, it features loads of indie/punk types covering cartoon theme songs. This is The Ramones doing Spider-Man, and should give you an idea of where I'm going with ATD16...

Watchmen Movie Cometh

I've been geeking the fuck out lately, much to the amusement of my better half. I haven't read this many comic books since I was 13. In fact I haven't read this many comic books EVER, mainly because comic books are now available in much the same fashion as MP3s. Yes, you can, in this enlightened age, download every comic book that comes out on the day it comes out. Should you so wish to. Me, I download complete runs of Grant Morrison written DC titles, but that is besides the point. The point is, back in the grizzly ole days, the only place you could get a comic book that wasn't The Beano was a Proper comic Book Shop, and there were only a few of those in the country, and none in North Wales. This one time, when I was, like, eight years old, the hole in the tip of my penis closed up and I had to go to Liverpool Children's Hospital (yes, I made a mistake in the lyrics of the song Liverpool, keen eared reader). I was pretty happy with this situation, because there were comic book shops in Liverpool, and my Dad got me a pile of small-sized American comic books, including the Todd McFarlane drawn Spider-Man with the lizard in it that was scary as hell, and some awesome Grey Hulk issues, and this really weird and pretty funny Plastic Man book. Oh, and some weird thing I have never seen since called Sleaze Brothers, that seemed to be some kind of Blues Brothers Vs Aliens weirdness. Anyone remember that?

Anyway. Aside from the fact that I got circumcised and no one told me, going to hospital in Liverpool was a great thing for me. My life would have probably been completely different without the influence of American comic books. For good or ill.

By the time I was 13 I had written, drawn, and published my very own book (I got fan mail and everything!), and I'll be doing another one soon. I am excited about this, but I need to get LP2 finished first, really. Stephen Hague called me last week, and work on that should resume shortly. Anyway. Like I was saying, you can now, if you wish, download any comic you want to. But this isn't hurting the comic book industry at all - sales are, in fact rising. This is probably because people who don't live near comic book stores, or people who'd never go in them in the first place, like women, are discovering comics, so when they do go near a store, they can cop a collection of something they actually liked and want to own forever and read on the bog and stuff. That's what's happening with me anyway. There are probably lessons for the music industry to be learned here, but I don't have time to g into all that right now, and anyway, my awesome insight is available for a fee, on a consultancy basis. Speak to my manager.

Yes. So. Watchmen movie cometh. Dave Gibson says its gonna be pretty faithful to the source material. Are we excited about this Or do we not give two craps? I am in the middle. I think comics are a better medium than movies anyway.