photo

I Believe The Children Are Our Future. Lead Them Well And let Them Show The Way. Swag.

It's FRIDAY! And like I always do about this time, I'm thinking that I desperately need to write a super-catchy and amazing pop song called FRIDAY in order to replace poor doomed Rebecca Black's version... if only in my own poor brain, which by this point is as tired of hearing the Ark Music contempi-classic to the point of near madness.

Rebecca Black gives kids a bad name anyway, with her lack of basic road safety and obsession with "haters" and red carpets and being famous. As if they didn't have bad enough PR already. People who watch television and read newspapers seem to think that all children are vicious feral animals that'll shoot you as soon as look as you. Completely normal childish behaviour is reinterpreted and exaggerated by the perma-hyserical media as proof of a society wide youth sickness that can only be treated with drugs and television.

They are also under the queer impression that bad and disrespectful behaviour amongst the youth was a purely modern phenomena, as if Just William and his pals weren't constantly breaking and entering and throwing rocks at policemen and blacking fat men's faces with boot polish back in 1922.

They are idiots, of course. All children are ace - or least, all children are ace until idiot adults smash all the love and joy our of them with their rules and their bad attitudes and their lack of patience or capacity for creative thought. Show me a kid that isn't ace and I'll show you a tragic victim of the rotten culture of Adulthood.

http://youtu.be/f6yGAQZqHZQ

http://youtu.be/eTYc7dWRWkQ

Of course, most of these people who are convinced that children are all evil monsters that need locking up in dungeons and force feeding prescription medication until they shut up and stop having fun haven't tried talking to any. If you take the time to talk to a kid, as if he or she were an actual human, like you, and not some weird little doll for you to patronise, you will find them to be most agreeable and excellent company. I met a bunch yesterday whilst out taking photos with Dr Ev, and they were all entirely ace - happy, funny, polite (waiting for us to finish snapping before waling past the camera, for instance), complimentary of my moustache, full of useful information ("there's a really good place to take photos just over there," offered one, and he was right), and pretty much just plain overjoyed to be.

They were down in London from Geordie land on a school trip, I believe, to visit the 2012 Olympic site that's sprung up in my backyard over the past few years. It is pretty exciting to have the 2012 Olympic site spring up in one's backyard, to be honest. I can see the main arena/alien landing pad from my studio window, and it is a fine, futuristic sight. It reminds me of those paintings that came with the LP of Jeff Wayne's War of The Worlds, one of the greatest feats of audio storytelling of all time... or at least of the feelings those paintings inspired in me when I first looked upon them, when I was about 6. War Of The Worlds and the concept of an alien invasion scared the crap out of me when I was small, but now I'm big I know full well that yes, monsters exists, but they walk among us already, wearing suits and ties... but if you smile at them they freak out and their brains malfunction, so they're not really all that scary at all.

Joy to the future!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghJo_XLjQ2g

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1l8lwEJVIv0

http://youtu.be/IYzlVDlE72w

ADVENT 7: Don Doodles, And My Granddad

http://youtu.be/XZABPu0WOKo HAI ALL! Advent is running a bit late as video rendering has been making big mess of my schedule. Specifically Nothing Lasts Forever video rendering. And editing. And making be in synch. And rendering again. Anyway, you'll be glad to know that after making 23 seperate upload attempts yestreday, the perfect result was finally acheived, and it's uploading now, all 2 gig of it, so it will be with us...

Then! Amen!

Meanwhile, I spent some time last night drawing people's Don Doodles, and took the opportunity to film the process. Up there you can see me speed-drawing three Don Doodles, which can be bought for a limited time in my Xmas shop for a mere £5 ($7.8225). I drew the pictures to their purchasers' exact specifications with Sharpies  and Dr pens on a fine thick sketch pad I got from WH Smiths. Drawing is always fun, but drawing on the spot to a deadline (15 minutes) with no preparation and no pencils is fun AND exciting, so thanks for the opportunity.

Speaking of art, me and Eddie Argos' Axl Rose comic is part of an art exhibition that opened in Belgium last night. This is very exciting for me as I have never been exhibited before, and it makes me feel like a proper artist, like the ones in that bit in ferris Bueller where they play the Dream academy's version of Please Please Please let Me Get What I Want and Cameron falls into his existential wormhole. I like the thought of Belgians falling into existential wormholes gazing at the glory of my Axl Rose comic.

The exhibition is called  Guns 'N Fucking Roses, and its curator, Jan Van Woensel, descibes it thusly:

Guns ’N Fucking Roses is the first exhibition that brings homage to one of the greatest hard rock bands of all times: Guns ‘N Roses. Guns 'N Fucking Roses is not just another exhibition that illustrates the obvious relationship between art and music. Instead, this project keeps the middle between an art exhibition and a gloomy teenager’s bedroom. Within this setting, Guns 'N Fucking Roses exposes both the worldwide success and the tragic breakdown of the band and displays a selection of Guns ‘N Roses inspired contemporary artworks amidst an audiovisual chaos of videos and music.

Curated by Jan Van Woensel, an international curator widely known for his itinerant group exhibition Bad Moon Rising (San Francisco, CA; New York City, NY; Saint Louis, MO; Brussels, Belgium; Oslo, Norway; London, UK) and numerous projects in collaboration with artist, musician, writer, poet and publisher Lee Ranaldo (Sonic Youth), Guns 'N Fucking Roses is a project in preparation of the curator’s upcoming, ambitious Axl Rose exhibition (TBA).

You can read more about it here.

In other good news, I got played by Jo Wiley on Radio 2! As far as I know this is the first time I have been played on Radio 2 (which  I believe is the UK's most listened to music station), and this is especially exciting as it was the station my granddad used to listen to, and I have been dreaming about him again lately. He visits me, and gives me advice. Back when I was little I used to go and stay with my Granddad in his bungalow in Redditch, and he would make me ham sandwiches with a Mr Kipling cake on the side, and we would watch westerns and Neighbours then I would sit on the carpet and draw while he watched Horse Racing results on teletext and we both listened to Radio 2, which at the time played a lot of classical music and show tunes.

Now it plays ME, and my Granddad is riding horses across the cosmos with John Wayne and Bouncer. One of the last times I remember seing my Granddad I was 16 and he was very angry with me, and accosted me on the steps outside Our Price where me and my degenerate speed-addled teenage friends were hanging out, and shook my by the shoulders and told me what a disgrace I was and how much better my mother had raised me. I cried when he'd left, because he was right, and I resolved to leave Redditch and to mend my ways.

I stopped selling speed and moved to Birmingham, where I working in a record shop and a bar and started a fanzine. My Granddad died a few months later and I was late to his funeral. At the wake his Brummy Budgie, that sounded just like him, escaped from its cage and tore frenziedly around my Uncle and Auntie's front room, feathers flying everywhere. I tried to catch it, in my typically clumsy manner, and my uncle and cousin flew into a rage and hurled accusations of degeneracy in my mournful direction. The wake then descended into a near brawl when my Dad shocked me by storming to my defence. The last time I could remember him sticking up for me quite so violently and proudly was when I got teased and beaten up for apparently having AIDS at school after I picked up  from the playground floor what I thought was a balloon and was in fact a condom. My Dad rolled up his shirt sleeves and stormed off down to the school in search of the ringleader of my tormentors, a prematurely hairy gorilla of a child who was 11 and looked thirty, and his father, who looked about the same and had just gotten out of prison for armed robbery of a local Spar, or at least that was the rumour.

I can't remember what happend with my Dad and the gorillas, but I do remember now that I think of it that it was the same Gorilla that broke my arm when I was 7 by hanging me from the goalposts on the playing fields, pulling me back, and letting me go. I went flying into the ground like a little speccy rocket and landed with an almighty crack, and spent the next month in a plastercast that I still have, adorned with good-wishes and Garfield sketches, in my Box Of Life. My Granddad was looking after us that week, as my parents were away somewhere, and he was fraught with worry and nausea that such a thing had happened while I was in his care.

My Granddad was called Enoch Smallman, and he fought in a war and worked in a mine. He was a good man and a massive influence on me, and more often than not when I think of him my eyes fill with tears, as they do now, because he died before I could make him proud of me.

So thank you Jo Wiley for playing my song on Radio 2, and thank you BigJimCambo, who requested the song. And thank you Granddad, for raising my Mum on your own and for shaking the shit out of me outside Our Price that day and saving my life.

Yo Donovan Its Tuesday Already!

Yeah, I am totally sat around with my thumb up my ass.

OF COURSE NOT BABY!

See, what happened was, was I got back off tour to discover that The Life Equation's CD booklet got printed wrong. Just 4 pages instead of 12. Anyway, turns out that in my rush to get out on tour I had made ten, and not the tweleve required (this doesn't explain the four pages that were printed, but never mind that right now). So I am making the final two pages, which are, as with my previous album releases, a beautiful and vast photo collage spanning the recording process.

WHICH YOU CAN BE IN! If you leave a comment with your photo in it in the next half hour. They're already doing it on Twitter and Facebook, which are great avenues for that sort of thing, BUT YOU CAN DO IT HERE TOO...

So I am finishing that off, and doing the sleeve for LITF 2.5 which is about to drop, and the TLE T-Shirt, which I HAD a version of, but realised that I could do a better one... so yeah, I am doing that, amongst other things. My apologies for the delay in all the stuff, but I am but One Don, and I aim very high.

Anyway. How have YOU been?

Living In The Future CDs, Ts, badges and more: Dictionary definition SWAG!

http://youtu.be/iRsVWNnezFA Well, once again, Don Studios has turned into a factory, as we took receipt on Friday of thousands of CDs, flyers, posters, and a big ass box of Living In The Future T-Shirts with labels sewn into them.

Dictionary definition SWAG.

Up top there you can see a nice video of me showing some of it off, and showing you how to fold a T-shirt properly, just like they taught me when I worked in the Soccer Shop in Redditch in '97.  RIP. I am also coming down with a cold in that video, and I am now drowning in said cold, but that is a good thing, because I will have gotten it out of the way in time for the tour. Which starts on Wednesday. YIKES!

Here then, is the beautiful Living In The Future CD. Charlotte took the photo in a shower in Paris. The shower head had red and blue lights on it, that lit up depending on the temprature. I was like, "OMFG, quick, get the camera!" I had no idea it was going to be so cool I'd want to use it on the cover of Living In The Future. I just knew that having a shower head with temperature triggered lights on it meant I was living in the future.

That's the beautiful back. Mary Wycherley took the photo. She projected the artwork from the Omega Sanction onto my face, and took photos of me while I smoked a nice spliff. It looked ill. And see that thing bottom left? Zef made that. It took him ages. If you show it your phone your phone will bring you here. True story. This is what it looks like close up:

This is the thank you page. I thanked everybody who helped me choose the tracklisting by leaving their suggestions in the comments here. Are you in there?

This is the beautiful Living In The Future label that's sewn into every single Living In The Future T-shirt.

BADGES AND... WHAT. IS. THAT?!

And here we have the plentiful piles of packages, which I'm taking to the post office tomorrow morning. So if you've ordered your swag, you'll be getting it shortly. And if you haven't ordered your swag yet, what are you waiting for?

ORDER YOUR SWAG NOW!

For it is the righteous path.

Speaking of which, guess who's just been added to the Slam Dunk festival bill?

TODAY! MAY 5th 2011, 9pm GMT: The Pre-Tour Doncast!

http://youtu.be/x7g3AjfglI0

That's right friends! Today at 9pm UK time, 1pm LA time, 10pm Norway time, via akirathedon.com and justin.tv we are having a very special, one-off, pre-tour DONCAST!

There will be great music played!

There will be special guests in the house!

There will be live rapping!

There will be competitions!

There will be conversation!

There will be FUNTIMES!

So get ready! Send your requests, shoutouts, stories, questions, jokes, and DONCAST DEDICATIONS via the channels: the comments section, @akirathedon, akirathedon at gmail.com, OR SEND A VERY FAST PIGEON!

Oh, and if you're not in the UK, and you know what time 9pm is where you live, let me know and I'll add it to this post.

Rah. Pre-tour Doncast. Christ, that is some terrifying shit - this time next week we will be on TOUR! My tummy just went a bit weird thinking about it. A LOT TO DO BEFORE THEN! CHrist. Krypton Factory. Let's do this thing...

Oh, that picture up there is from the shoot I did on Sunday with James Ellis. And this right here is some footage from that shoot, via Bangor allumini sweetpotatopictures.com.

Test Shoot #3 With AKIRATHEDON, Kim Hippe & Anna Tsvetkova, jamesellisimaging.com from james ellis on Vimeo.

School

That was me and my fellow students at my second school, in Llangoed, North Wales, which I attended from the ages of 7 to 10 at the end of the legendary nineteen eighties.

SPOT THAT DON!

One of these lil buggers I saw in Spar in Beaumaris at Christstmas, with a kid that looked just like she did in this flipping photo.

LIFE WILL NOT BE STOPPED!

Cloud Life

Happy new week gang! I type to you via a nice chunky white wireless Fisher Price keyboard from my hotdesk at my Mum's hobbit hole in the country. That up there is my view right now. It is a very nice view indeed, and a damn sight nicer than the view of the train station I have from my house, not that its a particularly nasty train station or anything, and not that I am complaining, because it is very convenient living in such close proximity to a train station.

Now I come to think of it, I hae enjoyed some pretty great views over the years... mainly in the early years, and mainly thanks to my Mum and her insistence of living as far away from The City as possible. Here's the view from our house in Dyffryn Nantlle:

And here's our view from Flagstaff Villa in Penmon:

Of course, when I was living amidst those amazing Tolkianesque landscapes, I thought the most amazing view in the world was that of the M6 from my Polish granddad's council flat. I was a funny boy.

Anyway. My applogies for the photos of photos, but in setting up my Mum's hilarious little computer that looks like a little robot in the living room I have disconnected it from the scanner and plugging that in would be too much of a bloody palava Still, taking photos of photos and emailing them to one's self with one's mother's iPhone is pretty Future. And the whole process of getting set up and able to work in her little hobbit house aws similarly NEXT and remarkably painless. My Mum reminded me that I used to have to lug my big tower PC on the train with me when I used to come and visit, and now all I have to do is chuck a few files on a rubber Toughdrive, synch my Google account, download Tweedeck and Dropbox, and I'm set. All hail The Cloud, another ace thing about Living In The Future.

Now then. I just remembered that I have yet to announce the winners of the Post Stuff To Entertain Each Other While I'm In Paris Competition. Well now I have. Sorting Hat decreesthat the winners are...

daprimeminster and Daniel!

Send me an email with your T Shirt sizes and your address, and your prizes will be sent out on the Thursday post run when I am back in Llindain. Congratulations to you both, and congratulations to everyone that took part and posted all the awesome stuff. You guys rule like Slick Ricky.

Oh, and shout out Tego and the RWD Gangster House, for posting The Weed Song, and all that other funky stuff. We finally have a decent UK equivalent to NahRight/Rapradar. Props on stilts.

Born Ready!

Rah, what a mad day. I was up at 7:30, and before 10:00 am I had cycled 8 miles, been to the gym and drunk two protein shakes. I won't be doing that last thing again in a hurry, but the rest was pretty cool. I also learned from his sister, with whom I had a stop and chat outside my hose, that Patrick Wolf thinks Patrick is about him. Ha! That's like me thinking Adam's Song is about me. Actually, maybe it is. I am pretty famous and awesome, and have been since I was born, pretty much. Look, that's me up top, just after I was born! Look how cool and famous I obviously was!

Actually, my Dad says he used to feed me with a catapult, but that's just the sort of mean unfunny thing he always says, and anyway, it was blatantly my mum doing all the feeding, my Dad was probably too busy flicking his hair in the mirror. Here he is around the time I was born, five years younger than I am now, enjoying some fine Brummy cuisine, and looking forward to finding a mirror to flick his hair in afterwards.

There's a joke to be made about a nice bird there, but I am not the man to make it. What do I look like, a comedian? Exactly. Anyway, this mild nostalgia bubbled up because I was referencing the fact that I have been an awesome pop star since I was like, two, on a new song from ATD25 I was recording the other day, for which I dug out a tape recording my Mammy and Daddy made of me singing when I was, yes, two. I had a beautiful voice and I am sure you are all very excited to hear it. I also wrote a song today that referenced some of my old man's weirder child rearing techniques, which was fun to rap and record, but they were quite odd to consider as Things That Actually Happened.

ATD25 is turning out to be quite the bloody master-work, which shouldn't be too much of a surprise, but it really has monstered from its initial intent. We're shooting a video for the lead track on Thursday, and we're gonna drop that lead track the day after. A few days after that the site is going to close down while we test ATD 5.0, which is in the final stages of design now, and making feel like a child at Christmas. Aside from the fact that once its live I get to cut my beard and delete my Myspace, both things that make me giddy just thinking of them, I am just really really really excited about showing it to you, my dear friends. It is a bold leap forward for the artist's website, the site against which all others will be judged, and shown to be lacking, and the future of How To Do This Music Stuff Proper On The Internets. Not one word of this is hyperbole, and I know you know me well enough by now to know that to be the TRUTH, the WHOLE TRUTH and NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH, so help me Xenu.

ATD25 is an absolute fucking masterwork, and ATD.com 5.0 is the artist's website to kill all other artist's websites. I invented this shit back in 04, now I'm doing it again.

Obviously when I say "I", I mean we, as I wouldn't be able to do it without Y'ALL. Speaking of which, it's the Doncast tomorrow, so I'll be seeing y'all then, yes? 5pm UK time, sharp. An hour and a half of CLASSICS. I enjoyed that very much last time. Communications via the usual channels, merci beaucoup.

PAX!

Zoom! Visor Floats To The Top

A reader writes:

Akira! I heard the horrible news about the ATD shoes! Only 4 pairs left?!

I'm trying my best to come up with the money as quick as possible but I was wondering is this the end of your shoes like the end of your thanks for all the aids shirts? Will there be any other way to like exclusively order them at a higher price when they get sold out?

I do hope I can get my hands (Feet in this case) on them sooner or later.

Anyway, Best regards!

~Chris

Cheers for that Chris! In answer to your question, this is indeed the end of these particular shoes - but rest assured there will be brand new Don Shoes coming soon... they will be a different shoe, different printing technique, different colour, etc. They're being designed right now, and the process is very exciting. Not only that, but we've got a whole new range of Don Gear coming, to accompany the new site, the new company, etc. So all that stuff in the shop now, that stuff is going going gone for November. So if you want it you better get it sharpish!

OK? Oh, and if you've got any requests for stuff I should be stocking in the new shop, please leave them in the comments.

Great!

Meanwhile, I recorded three songs yesterday, and all three sound like singles. They're for ATD25... and Joey is mixing the first of them right now, whilst he holidays in Le France. Actually, he's not, he juts G-chatted me, he forgot to take the parts with him. OH WELL! More for him to do when he gets back then. That's gonna be a dope-ass week. The other third of The Spirit Of Adventure's gonna document that ish on his machine though, so we're good. It's All Content, after all.

I wonder how long my hair will be by then. And my beard. That thing is bigger than it's been since 2002,  when I filmed a video with Matt and Cormac in State 51 for this electronic act whose name I can't for the life of me remember. The concept was, I go into Trocadero, and play this weird dance game, with a robot, that was Cormac in a gross paper mâché costume with big gross paper mâché cans, suspended from the ceiling by bungee rope. I sort of had to spin him around and and swing him back and forth and ride him like a wild boar, giving the impression that it was the robot giving me a hard time... poor Cormac, he was sweating like Soulja Boy waiting on Kat Stacks' next move. I'd love to see that vidoe again, but like I said, I can't remember who did it... and anyway, this was like, 3 years before Youtube. I asked Cormac, but he can't rmeber either. I wonder what Matt's up to...

Oh, crap, my Mum's here! Later gang!

Hello Hydref!

Observing the Alien Landing Pod, by C Whewell

Last week the forces on high were good enough to bless those of us that reside on this funny little rock called Grayte Brrr with one last week of sunshine, before the season the Welsh call Hydref kicked in proper, and for that I thank them. It was a lovely send off, and whilst I did spend most of it sat on a chair staring at a pair of glowing monitors, I did get outside a little, and I loved every second of it. The dark is creeping in, and we're going to have to start shutting the kitchen window at night, bit I am not sad, for the first year perhaps ever. I am excited about this new season. I am going to work with it, like ladies are supposed to with their periodicals. It is a brave and a bold experiment, and I shall let you know how I get on.

I think the key to seasonal harmony is celebration, which is probably why those flipping pagans managed to have such a grand old time despite not having any electricity of central heating. Today I celebrate the death of Summer, and I do so by living my life, happily, getting up at a relatively reasonable hour, enjoying a fine breakfast and luncheon in the company of a white-hot ladything, and engaging in rewarding work pursuits. I will have a think about some other ways also. Have you any great ideas?

I bet Calvin does. In fact, I know he does. I was re-reading that treasury last season...

*googles

Ooh, here's one.

Haha. That was so me every year prior to this. Let's see how long I hold up.

So, I had a great weekend, thanks. I did an awful lot of work with young Zef on AkiraTheDon 5.0, and half-watched an awful lot of The Inbetweeners, which is resolutely brilliant. Me and the PPF went on a tour of the Olympic Park. We live right by the grounds of the 2012 Alien Landing - I can see two of the stadiums from my window - so it was nice to go beyond the gates for the first time since I followed that fucking fox and nearly broke my neck. My lord, they have done a lot of work. If I was an alien I'd definitely land there, and if I was a despotic government I'd definitely stage an alien landing there. It's perfect!

Welcome Back, Master Race! by C Whewell

I also went to my ole pal P Mo's 30th birthday do - there were an awful lot of them this weekend, for some reason or other, but I only have one set of drinking paws. P Mo's was a fine affair, and he got a Dog Of Fo, which seemed to make him deliriously happy. Someone got him a porcelain hand that carries drinks to the edge of the table then stops, and I made him a clock with himself in it, which I nearly broke falling upstairs running for a train. My mighty HANDS protected it though, with their flesh and their blood, some of which I sadly had to leave on the steps, along with shavings off of my ankle and knee. I have been getting an awful lot of injuries lately, along with my Better Fortune and Exciting Feelings, so I guess it is all part and parcel of the Samsonian Metamorphais I am currently involved in...

Oh, and I formatted my C drive and reinstalled my machine again. Well, started re-installing my machine again. Obviously it will take an age to get everything in place, but hopeful this time I won't install whatever it was that buggered up the last attempt. I am being methodical. You Mac mofos don't have to bother with this, do you? No, you don't. But being that smug all the time can't be healthy. So I do not envy you. Hell, Angry Birds is coming to Android, after all!

OK, I better go and post this video brief. I need lots of videos made all of a sudden. Who wants to make a video?

Akira The Don - Nah Nah Nah ft Gonzales & Mary Turner

Akira The Don & Chilly Gonzales, London, 2003

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4q6XjJeTFJM

DOWNLOAD: Akira The Don - Nah Nah Nah ft Gonzales & Mary Turner DOWNLOAD: Akira The Don - Nah Nah Nah ft Gonzales & Mary Turner (clean) DOWNLOAD: Akira The Don - Nah Nah Nah ft Gonzales & Mary Turner (accapella) DOWNLOAD: Akira The Don - Nah Nah Nah ft Gonzales & Mary Turner (instrumental) DOWNLOAD: Akira The Don - Nah Nah Nah ft Gonzales & Mary Turner (ALL!)

From ATD24.

ATD24: The Singles! Let's go!

We're gonna kick off with Nah Nah Nah. This shit is a classic already. I knew it was gonna be a classic the second I laid a drum break on top of that Serge Gansbourg sample at 06:08 am, June 23rd, just over an hour into the twenty four hour recording process of the mixtape. A few hours later Mary Turner and Chilly Gonzalaes walked into the studio and confirmed it.

I only just realised this is the first song me and Chilly have recorded together. We've performed together on stage - first time was at the Eden Project in 2002, where one of my buddies tagged Pulp's tour bus, igniting a short-lived Beef between the Sheffield indie stars and the Canadian supervillain, and the second was at The ICA in 2009, when I joined dude to do my verse from the Working Together remix - but never before on a record, in the same room.

Chilly Gonzales and the then Adam "Akira" Alphabet, 2002.

The song came together at awesome speed. We did the hook in about half an hour, including a vanguard of fine harmonies from Mary, and Gonzo aced his verse on the second take, before racing off to catch the Eurostar to Paris. Then at around 10pm my old school chum Ginge and The Mighty Jeres came round and added the guitars and sax. I mixed it at 4am, by which point I had gone a little mad, and deaf. But it sounded like a classic.

Holiday Is Over. CAPTION CONTEST!

Oh my days! So, I just got back from a wonderful break in Malta with my girl and her step-dad and her Mam (who you can see taking a photo above), excited as heck to show off my tan, and the UK's only in the in the midst of a bloody HEATWAVE of BIBLICAL proportions! Tarnation!

Anyway, I have returned not only to the aforementioned heatwave, but to an inbox so fearsome it makes my very blood curdle. Therefore I declare this a

CAPTION CONTEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and hand the floor over to you. As usual, leave your hilarious/sad/mental/weird captions in the comments section. A minor celebrity shall assist with the judging and the prize. GO GO GO!

Fear And Loathing In Dubai

Awesome photo by Charlotte Whewell

Hey you guuuuuys!

So, you know how I've been moaning for ages about how crap my keyboard and mouse are, and how clicking the left mouse button requires the strength of ten men and using the thing all day every day is crippling me, and how my keyboard is so loud it gives my long suffering but resiliently hot female companion migraines, and how getting it to communicate with you every day requires such force it sends shockwaves through my whole skeleton that reverberate for the following 8 hours at LEAST and give me crazy nightmares? Yeah?

Well.

I totally bought myself a new keyboard and mouse!

BOOYA!

Know what else?

They are wireless!

BLAMMO! IN YOUR FACE CRAPPY OLD KEYBOARD AND MOUSE! IN THE BIN WITH YOU! YOU ARE REPLACED! AHAHAHAHAHA! FIE!

Rah though. While typing on this new thing is a comparative JOY, I am a little confused as to why something that is WIRELESS is so prohibitively HEAVY - the keyboard is like a slab of GRANITE, and I practically have to DRAG the nouse around my DESK. It is RIDICULOUS, but it is an improvement regardless. So, yes.

WOO HOO!

Rah though. It is announcement time.

WE HAVE A WINNER! A WINNER OF OUR FUCK YEAH DE BURGH COMPETITION!

ARE YOU READY?

AAAARE YOUUUU REEEEADY?

POW!

Clear cut, in our judges' opinion, was that victory. Congratulations Johnny! Not only was your winning entry REALLY FUNNY, it has also set in a motion a whole goddamn MOVIE in our minds, sort of like James Bond meets Lost Highway, in which the valiant de Burgh has his life stolen from him by an evil clone, who commits a series of increasingly terrible atrocities in his good name. Anyone got the number for Hollywood? IT IS A SMASH I TELL YOU! Obviously, Johnny, you forgo all rights to any ownership of what is now MY awesome idea by accepting your awesome prize.

Here is your awesome prize, which will be winging it's way to you just as soon as you email me your address:

Congratulations then, Johnny. I think you'll find that much greater reward than the BEEELIONS of dollars I am going to make flogging your amazing idea to those idiots in Hollywood. BWA HA HA HA HA!

Ahem.

Ew.

That was weird.

I don't know what came over me there brothers and sisters. For a moment back there, I believe I must have been POSSESSED by the evil spirit of De Burgh's Dastardly Double! Crap! What have I done? Gentle reader! Save yourself before it is too late! DON'T LOOK INTO HIS EYES!

Yes. Now, let's hammer out this story together, and share in the spoils and the glory. THE GLOOOOOOOOOOORY! So, we have Good de Burgh, who is a lovely man, then his EVIL TWIN SHOWS UP, and, let's say, shoots him with a  ray gun and locks him in a cage in a dirty basement wearing nothing but a nappy. WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

CAPTION CONTEST!

Lady Charlotte Whewell took some photos of me out in Victoria Park last weekend. I just had to send some over to the good people at Sun On The Sand, and I was uploading them to my Flickr, when the one you can see up there struck me as being a thing of great wonder, that was in desperate need of a fitting caption.

So, have at ye: Caption Contest! Leave your caption in the comments. The best one will be decided by a crack team of experts, including ME, Blonde Jeremy, and Charlotte Whewell.

Winner gets a homemade copy of ATD20 on CD. Made at home! With a printer! And some glue! And some pens! Whoo!

We'll be deciding the name of the cartoon strip on Wednesday, by the way, during the All New Weekly Doncast, from 5pm GMT.

Have you in the Blob Blog watching Bill O'Reilley and Jon Stewart, by the way? Get in there! And if your appetite for Yank Politic Sensationalism has been whetted, they got a decent photo of Sarah Palin's crib notes on her palm. I did that at the Gonzales gig, you know. That's why I didn't wear the white Gloves he gave me. Truefax. I ain't ashamed.

The Old Don

A-ha ha! Cheers, as ever, for the inspiration. I did this as an excercise, and shall continue throughout the week. Hopefully, by the end of the week, I'll have The Dude ready, and the storyboard for the animated video I am about to make all ready, so I can let that big ole weight start to lift. Meanwhile, I'll be working on ATD20. I wanna set up a way for you to be able to leave voice messages that I can use on the tape. What did we do last time? Has something better turned up in the interim? If you have any ideas, let me know.

This was what I looked like half an hour ago, by the way.

Lady Gaga Does Crowley

Exhibit 1: The New Lady Gaga Sleeve. (Cheers Pop Justice!) ladygagamonsterofficial2

Exhibit 2: Aleister Crowley (pronounced Crow-ly). Nuff said!

aleister-crowley1

Actually, nuff might have been said, but I do wonder if I should dig out that awesome song I did with Mary called Love Is The Law that ripped a bunch of lyrix from the ole Beast and never came out for reasons that totally escape me right now.

ATD 2009 > ATD 2002

passport Yeah, I know my blog game's been poor this week. So what? I gave you a whole mixtape on Sunday. Play that over and over and stare at the lovely sleeve until you feel inclined to spend your next pay check on Don Shoes, why don't you. There are worse ways to pass the time.

I, for example, have been hanging out in the Passport Office in Victoria. I got a new passport, as you can see above. Well, you can see my new photo above. I'll be damned if I'm scanning my new passport. How stupid do you think I look? Not as stupid as I did in 2002, that's how.

Anyway. Passport office. A lot better organised than it was last time I was there. There are men wandering around with fucking guns now! This surprised me, as I am famously naive. "Well, duh," said Littles when we were talking about it on the phone earlier. "It's a passport factory! That's more money than a bank! Man could run up in there with straps and be rich!"

I suppose man could. Me, not so much. I was tempted to steal a magazine in WH Smiths last week. I stood there in the isle, holding the thing (a copy of Future Music, since you asked) for a good four minutes with my pulse racing before I pussied out and out it back on the shelf. My days of crime are far behind me now. I am like George Bush.

Anyway, I have exciting things to tell you about, but I don't want to jinx them. So I shall bid you a good day, and get back to learning my lines.

I'll Be In The Sky!

akira-the-don-marvin STREAM: B.o.B AKA Bobby Ray - Cloud 9

No reason for that title other than that's what I'm listening to right now. OWWWWW! Bobby ray inspires me you know. Thanks Bobby Ray! You rule!

Serious, if you haven't downloaded this yet, your life sucks.

Yes. Play it loud and be glad.

So, you crazy buggers are still going on the 21010 Comp. I am proud of you, you know that? What clever, dedicated sods you are.

SHAME THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

Hahaha. The competition will stay open till 2, which is 24 hours, and means the Yanks get a fair inning. OK Yanks?

Now, I am off to a wedding, so you'll have to wait till tomorrow to see who won, and who won what. Although if you care that much you could probably work it out for yourselves.

Autumn landed, fellow wetlanders. Enjoy the last gasps of sunshine before winter shows up early like an over keen party guest and pukes on the rug.

PAX!