drink

Lonely Eyeeeeeeee

"My legs ache, my heart is sore The well is full of pennies" Tom Waits - The Fall of Troy 

I think I'm alone now. There doesn't seem to be anyone around. No, I'm pretty sure my wife did indeed board a plane to an ashram in the middle of a forrest in India on Friday morning and I haven't seen her since. Every day now I wake up with this in my head:

http://youtu.be/SQEslJZuV7U

There is no one to tell me to go to bed so I stay up till I hear the people downstairs opening the shop. On Friday I got into the shower with half of my clothes on for no good reason, then that night I went to my friend Dave's birthday party and got so drunk I couldn't get out of bed until it got dark on Saturday. I also got food poisoning (although Littles reckons it's a stomach cold). Last night I cut my head open banging it into a ceiling beam in the attic and there was no one around to kiss it better. I didn't update any of my social networks for 36 hours and people started texting to see if I was still alive.

Yes, I could paint a pretty tragic picture of my life alone. But that is only one side of the story. I have also written two songs since Friday, and done a lot of valuable research for ATD27, and watched Robocop 1 and 2 - reminding myself of the greatness of the first and the hysterical awfulness of the second - and read Frank Miller's original script for Robocop 2, or as close to Frank's script as one can get, that being the Avatar comics released official comics adaption of Frank Miller's original Robocop 2 script. Turns out that, while Frank Miller claimed they'd ruined his script and that's why Robocop 2 was shit, the shittest bits of Robocop 2 are all present in Frank Miller' script, and the only bits that made it bearable are not... and that Frank Miller's original Robocop 2 script was batshit crazy and incredibly misogynist in a way that makes his All Star Batman & Robin comic look like The Dark Knight Returns.

Here for your edutainment, is a panel in which Robocop pimp slaps the female psychiatrist character you may remember form the movie into some kind of panely-machine, before setting her face on fire and locking her in a burning laboratory, quipping, "have a nice day," on his way out.

She then uploads her personality into the Robocop 2 robot that features in the movie, so the final battle is between Robocop and a great big godzilla robot with this female psychiatrist turbo-bitch character's personality in it, saying textbook shit like, "we need to dialogue" and something about "relating", to which Robocop replies "relate to this!" and shoots her arm off. The thing finishes with a ridonculously scantily clad and over-sexed Officer Lewis - an hilariously Miller-typical take on Robocop's partner in the movies - shooting the evil bitch monster's arm off, before Robocop, who was grieving fo the loss of his wife half an hour ago, goes in for the mechanical snog.

Oh Frank.

Meanwhile, in the "real world":

Ah ha ha ha!

So, yeah, I've done loads of useful stuff. I also went to an exhibition of recreations of ancient Egyptian artwork, and I found £50 (fifty) pounds in an envelope in the  middle of a pile of old printouts and doodled upon paper. Yeah, I am survinging just about OK without my beautiful wife. I even had a big bag of organic fruits and vegitables delivered. See!

I have to admit though, I have no idea what they all are. A few have me very stumped, although much deliberation has lead to the suspicion one may be a beetroot and one might be a red cabbage. No idea what that thing top left is though.

As for my beautiful wife, it is 14:34 right now, and she is 5 hours ahead, which means it's 19:34 for her right now so she, according to her terrifying itinerary, is meditating, or chanting, or listening to a lecture.

Here, for your edutainment, is that itinerary:

  • 5:30 am: Wake up
  • 6:00 am: Satsang (Meditation, chanting, lecture)
  • 8:00 am: Asanas
  • 9:00 am: Anatomy and physiology
  • 10:00 am: Breakfast
  • 11:00 am: Karma Yoga (helping out with chores)
  • 12:00 pm: Bhagavad Gita or Kirtan
  • 2:00 pm: Main lecture in philosophy or anatomy
  • 4:00 pm: Asanas and pranayama
  • 6:00 pm: Dinner
  • 7:30 pm: Satsang (Meditation, chanting, lecture)
  • 10:00 pm: Lights out

She's doing this for a month you know. A month!

Holy Batfink Jesus On A Skateboard Christ preserve us all. And RIP Whitney, you beautiful voiced creature. You are with Serge now. Party on, dudes.

Serge Gainsbourg vs. Whitney Houston by larsen42

http://youtu.be/IYzlVDlE72w

http://youtu.be/08Zc17YQzdk

Anth Latute ft Ross Latue, Akira The Don & Stace Loyd - 3AM

http://youtu.be/s42PTKZQQrY Holy cow bubba! It's Geordie unabomber Anth (kina-rhymes-with-nature) Latue, on a brand new song that's got ME  on it! Fuck!

Hands up who remembers Anth Latue? Huh? Dude appeared on a very early ATD mixtape on a very dope beat produced by me, when he was, like, 14 or something. Well, he's in his early twenties now, and he's been on a bunch of sound engineering courses, and he makes his OWN BEATS, and they are very nice indeed. SO nice, in fact, that when he sent me this one, I put aside what I was doing right then, and spent the next hour and twently minutes writing and recording this verse.

POW! Just like that!

Now, I was in  a shop the other day and I heard a Red Hot Chilli Pepers song playing, and it sounded quite a bit like this one, but we all know about how no ideas are original, right? So fuck that noise. The other ingredients on this gorgeous jawn are angel-voiced brother (?) of Anth, Ross Latue on the hook, and North Carolina's Stace Loyd, who rocks the most beautiful sing song flow I've heard all month. Dude can be found all over Youtube dropping gravelly spit, go have a search.

As for my bit, IT IS, as ever, ALL TRUE... Those that were following the blog when i was having my Big American Adventure will remeber The jellyfish incident well.... and to those that require more detail, go poke around in the archives...

You can cop the song on iTunes if you dig it. look out for Anth's album when he gets back from honeymoon at the end of the summer. yeah, It's wedding season!

Which reminds me. Shout out sensei Jim Bob who was on BBC 6 Music with Andrew Collins this morning and played Babydoll. My dude! What an honour!

Oh, and another shout out to Nic Cox, who sent the following pictures along with this note:

Hello Sir,

Now when I drink my morning tea, I feel like a SWAGGED OUT!

A swagged out what I wonder?

I Am Away 'Till Wednesday!

That's right brothers and sisters! I am taking my girl away for a special surprising birthday adventure. It is midnight right now, and my beautiful angel is currently hiccuping her sweet ass home in a cab from her "afternoon" (ha!) cake and cocktails with the girls, with little clue that she will be hiccuping her sweet ass to ***** on an aeroplane in a few hours time. That'll be fun. They better let her on. What's good for sobering girls up? I've got two litres of water, some Nurofen and a bag of Haribo.

Anyway!

I would hate for this lovely place to become a barren wasteland in my absence. So while I am gone, I think it would be really marvellous if you could keep each other entertained. Please post links, videos, stories, songs, podcasts, pictures, whatever you like in the comments of this post. When I get back I will choose a couple to send T-Shirts to. OK?

Go team!!!

PS: Zef will be keeping you updated with useless links and videos over at the:

And The Fun Continues!

fun-009 HAHAHAHA!

I hope you enjoyed that. I certainly could have done with the comic relief. So I did. Um. Do with it.

Yes.

Anyway.

Hey kids! Guess what your awesome popstar pal Akira The Don (that's me folks!) has been doing today?

NO! I haven't been doing cocaine! Guess again!

NO! I haven't been doing Yo Mamma (whoever she is!), GUESS AGAIN!

NO, you big SILLY I haven't been Doing The Do!

I've been doing my VAT RETURNS!!!!!

Oh BOY!

Sorting out piles of receipts and going, fuck me, do I really spend that much on electricity, and writing it in a big XL file, then deleting it out of the XL file cos you're only supposed to put relevant data in the XL file, and NOT SWEARING! FUCK!

That's right. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! Cock-a-doodle-FUCK! How do I owe hundreds of pounds in VAT when I don't HAVE hundreds of pounds?

CRAP!

Damnation, I need an accountant. And a manager. And a MEELION DOLLARS.

Mmm. A meelion dollars.

Have another joke while I collect myself.

fun-015

AHAHAHAHAHA!

I NEEDED THAT!

By the way, these jokes are all from the pages of Evan Dorkin's Dork Volume 1: Who's Laughing Now, which I highly recommend. A young lady ran off with mine many moons ago, now I come to think of it. I got this one still, though. And it'll be Xbox soon. Anyway, Comics212 have been running them on the daily. Yes indeed.  Good times.

Anyway. That wedding was good times but BAD NEWS, since it had a FREE BAR with WHISKEY IN IT, and those of you that have known me for more than a year will know full well the danger of that sort of a combination. Naturally it had me legging it across London at 4am with no idea where, or why I was, being pursued by irate taxi drivers and suchlike. I lost my phone and everything. Fail!

So, yeah, recovery yesterday, VAT all day today, so I haven't had time to deal with that epic battle yet, but don't think I won't, cos I will, so there. OK? GRAYTE!

Zzz

So, I got some (ha!) sleep, and I listened to the noises Birddogg was making up here while I was down in New York, doing whatever it was I was doing in New York. Like, there's some ill stuff. But one in particular is just tremendous. it is mighty. It fills my heart. And prefectly fits so many of the raps I was writing in New York, tempom flow, everything. So, what I've done, is draw various raps, and bits of raps, together, to create this New York song that's been brewing all the time I've been here. It is best I get it out now, before I FORGET. Annoyingly, the necassary component is missing. So piss.

Bad: All the stuff I bought last week - food, drink, socks, weed - is gone. Mostly. I got a lot of Ritz crackers, peanut butter and macaroni. Good: There's a Death's Head Moth on my window. (See right) Bad: There is animal shit by my window. Good: The air outside is fresh and envigorating. Bad: The air in the top level of the house, in which I am supposed to be dwelling, is thick with the stink of animal and of animal excrement.

I went to turn on the sauna earlier, and nearly trod in cat shit. Or dog shit. It could be both. Whatever. It's like, wow, sauna! Oh, catshit. Wow! Oh. Wow! Oh. Etc. So, I wanted to go into town and get a job today, to pay for my ticket back to New York, but waited about for people to come with me rather than just doing it, and the end result is it's super late now, too late to get a job anywhere, and everyone's going into town to go out, save me, who must stay at home cos he has no ID (this is a worry), and it's too far to chance not being allowed in anywhere.

A ha!

So I should write more now. I wrote a bunch earlier. Phil is worrying that Amy has forotten his ass, as she went in her tiny car to take Cecelia and James over an hour ago. But she hasn't forgotten him. It's just miles from ShanGayKen to Woodstoock! A HA!

I just asked Spiky if he has a message for the world. He said, "spitroast!" So there you go.