We're Sorry!

Oh Dear Lord. What it is, is: I wander the earth, right now. I shuffle from place to place - shorter journeys with my stuff in a blue plastic bag, longer with my granny cart. I used to read tabloids and broadsheets, in order to be on top of things, and to gage the national psyche. Now I read websites. And I don't watch TV - I download episodes of South Park. And I don't listen to the radio - apart from American talk radio and German trance stations on the internet.

So this Band Aid 20 thing has pretty much passed me by. I'd heard of it, of course - I pass newsstands. I recall, the day Fallujah was stormed, the colourful rags and the liney ones (bar The Independent) all had Will Young and Chris Martin on the cover. Feeding the world they were. The Sun had a premium rate phone line and everything.

But, like I said, it kind of passed me by. Until just now. I happened upon the website for the thing. I clicked the video page. I saw it.

The Band Aid 20 (dumb name Geldof) video is the single most offensive thing I have seen this year.

It is grotesque.

Even more so than our pal above right. (There is a story behind him, but I shan't relate that just yet)

There were two things in the video which did not flood my lower intestine with bile - Justin and Dan of The Darkness, looking cheery, and playing excellent guitar, and Dizzee rascal, who's little baby rap sounded like sunshine, amidst a storm of shit.

And he looked very embarrassed.

What was Damon Albarn doing, winking, like a bust up asshole? And Thom Yorke? I understand Jamelia's ill considered desperation, Robbie's naivety, and McCartney's weird ego (I read him recently saying he "had" to tour America after 11/9, "because people needed the healing power of music"). Chris Martin and fatface Keane bloke are acknowledged douches. Poor Estelle! She looked so pissed off, relegated to the chorus. And those Sugababes, reading the words off of a piece of paper, confused, until they got to drop the paper for the chorus, at which point they looked very happy indeed.

Even Bono fluffed his finest moment.

I suppose many of my abroad readers may find this all quite odd. "Who are these people?" perhaps you wonder.

(On the Realest Niggas board today, in response to a story about Eminem and Robbie Williams getting all matey down the gym, someone enquired, "hu is this nigUR robbie williams?" "he aint black, hes some british dude i think," replied another user. "he did that freaky-ass video where he ripped off his skin and flesh.")

Well, anyway, I don't know. They are our music industry, I think.

Anyway, to erase the horror of that from my brain, I watched the new GLC ffideo.

Mike Balls, I am beginning to suspect, is Brian Harvey.

Still, it is not all doom and gloom. Kilroy got a bucket of farm slurry chucked all over him in Manchester the other day!

Now, to that freak above left - he is one of a dozen or so genuine Bush voters featured on a website set up to counteract the goliath Sorry Everybody portal, wherein Americans who didn't vote for Bush post pictures of themselves with "sorry" notes, to prove to the rest of the world that not all US citizens are thicko meanies. Like the dude to the top right. Visitors to the You're Welcome Everybody site are treated to seventy pages of cheaply doctored pictures, and a dozen or so genuines, most of whom are hate filled nutbags like our man up there. Isn't he pretty? Isn't it weird that these people are proud of their bizzare and backward supporters?

I mean, seriously, that guy is a serial killer. Look into his eyes! His Daddy was mean to him. He's all fucked up.

Jesus, as we were saying yesterday, done died so that he wouldn never have to exist in such a sorry state. That guy should have been making plasecine hot dogs and falling in love with a beautiful blonde boy called Eustace. But instead he cowers in terror in some dirty hovel with is hollow ole finger bones shrink warpped around his rifle, having horrible night and daymares about violent soddomy.

Prophet Jesus, you died in horrible pain for nothing! That must totally suck!