Wade just rang. "I have a news story," say he. "Well, I think it's a news story. You know this girl I've been shagging?"
At this point one has to stop Wade. It could be anybody. As it transpires, it's Moby's ex, who has "amazing fake tits."
"I am so in love with her, he says. "She is amazing."
Who? I demand, perhaps a little agitated.
"Nicky," Wade says, "And Nicky said, if you run into Moby tonight, don't talk to him, because he's really upset about me having sex with you. He saw a photo of you and it really freaked him out. He's in a really bad place right now."
Poor Moby! Man, it must SUCK being Moby. You've made fifteen billion dollars off of flogging techno to car advert people, and some long hair Limey Swede with tiny teeth in a bobsleigh outfit can come along and piss all over your chips.
Moby, or Wade? What does this glamorous lady with the surgically enhanced bosoms see in my man with the suitcase full of blouses? LADIES! Look at the pictures. I have taken a few things that ladies I know seem to consider important when choosing between two men. So read the facts. And decide - who would YOU?
Moby is super small
Wade is pretty tall.
Moby has a bunch of pretty nice, normal, white teeth. Big sexy vampire fangs, good clean bite.
Wade has very small teeth. His teeth are little. Like babies' teeth.
Moby can afford to have his own vegan cafe in New York's fashionable Lower East Side, and employ loads of hot ladyboys called Paulo.
Wade can afford a cup of tea in East Finchley's Local Cafe. Just about.
Moby doesn't have any hair.
Wade has lots of hair! It is not always as clean as it could be, but there is lots of it.
Moby has mastered big-beated dance production, taking in techno, thrash, trance, and very occasional gabba.
Wade plays about eight chords with weight and passion. His singing voice, at best a rich, velvety baritone, can sometimes pain the ears like Tweety Pie.
Moby has beef with Eminem, Outkast, and Anthrax.
Wade has beef with Arthur Baker, and some posh male model called Eustace or something.
Moby seems to like dressing as a spaceman.
Wade, one time, went out in a pink skintight bobsleigh outfit. You could see the hairs on his nuts. He has a pastel jumper with a threedee felt golfer on it.
Moby is a nice vegan, so he prolly pisses out his poo or something. Maybe he has nice puddings though.
Wade likes eating sweetcorn and broccoli and steak, but his day to day diet is not incredible.
Moby has three homes, one of those is a mansion in Upstate New York. I heard he was buying an island next to Dave Stewart's.
Wade is homeless.
Moby is mates with John Kerry and Blink 182.
Wade is mates with Akira The Don and Towers Of London.
Moby rubbed his willy up Winona Ryders leg once.
Wade shared a grubby futon with Mairead from Queens Of Noize.
Moby - Obi (as in Trice), Obi (as in One Kenobi), Kenobi (as in Obi One), Toby (as in Anstis), Nairobi (as in a country in Africa. Or a city. Maybe a kind of detergent), Kobe (as in Rape Case), Gobi (as in that desert in central Asia), Adobe (as in that software I don't know anyone that's paid for), I Am The One And Only (as in that awesome song).
Wade - laid (as in get), paid (he wishes), lemonade (as in 8p Tescos), spade (as in digging holes), raid (as when the cops come and shut down his parties), afraid (of going bald)...
Wade wins the Googlefight! and Wade wins rhymes, then. Dunno about the rest. What you think ladies? Moby is short. Short is good, huh?
Wade's most recent celebrity ex was Dave Gahn from Depeche Mode's last wife. Said Wade: "Whaddya mean she's a life coach! She said we have to make lists and reward each other if we complete tasks. Then we will have domestic harmony."
And so we shall.