The Swine Flew

Pig Flew Who'd a knew, swine flew?

Pig flew.

Pig flu.

Whatever.

This is no time for shitty jokes.

MOTHERFUCKERS ARE DYING ALL OVER THE GLOBE. There's a handy, and tasteful Google Map here.

Do you know what this weird new Pig Flu is?

From AP:

CDC officials detected a virus with a unique combination of gene segments that have not been seen in people or pigs before. The bug contains human virus, avian virus from North America and pig viruses from North America, Europe and Asia.

Wow! Well, that sounds like the sort of crazy thing that drooling old harpie Mother Nature would come up with. That crazy ho. Good thing us clever humans are prepared. On March 19th, The Seagun Gazette reported on a "PANDEMIC VACCINE TRAINING" (!!!) exercise in to be carried out in Texas on Saturday, May 2, 2009. They had one in 2007, too. Learnt a lot from that, they did. Such foresight can only be applauded.

Why, only in February, an Indiana county municipal official near Chicago went on radio saying that he'd been having meetings with FEMA and the Department of Homeland Security, who were inquiring "where mass graves could be placed in the county," and "would they accept bodies from elsewhere?" These same keen public servants also suggested the nice people of Indiana "make plans for the possibility of up to 400,000 refugees from Chicago". See! They learned from Katrina! They're prepared!

In January, Panasonic Corp. ordered Japanese employees in parts of Asia, the Middle East, Africa, Russia, former Soviet states and Latin America to send their families home to Japan in preparation for a possible flu pandemic. The firm decided to take the rare measure "well ahead of possible confusion at the outbreak of a global pandemic," which was BLOODY CLEVER OF THEM.

If certain people are to be believed, between 2001 and 2005, fourty (40) micro-biologists were reported to have died in strange circumstances - found stabbed to death in the trunks of cars, thrown off bridges, that sort of thing, only to turn up years later "working for the government, or government contractors, on projects related to bio-terrorism, flu pandemics, or anthrax." Which is good. I bet they were working on miracle vaccines! That's the sort of thing they do!

Hell, they've been involved in the OLD pig flu. But this is NEW PIG FLU! This is SWINE FLU! For the naughties!

Man, there's gonna be some serious panic. What the funk does a responsible government do in such a situation?

Well, back in the tropical spring of 2005, a company called Strategic Communication Laboratories went public. The small U.K. firm, started in 1993, and specializing in "influence operations" set up a "glitzy exhibit occupying prime real estate at Defense Systems & Equipment International, the United Kingdom's largest showcase for military technology. The main attraction was a full-scale mock-up of its ops center, running simulations ranging from natural disasters to political coups." The meat of the presentation, however, was a simulation of what the company could offer in the case of a FLU PANDEMIC.

From The Slate:

[SCL] steps in to help orchestrate a sophisticated campaign... Rather than alert the public to the smallpox threat, the company sets up a high-tech "ops center" to convince the public that an accident at a chemical plant threatens London. As the fictitious toxic cloud approaches the city, TV news outlets are provided graphic visuals charting the path of the invisible toxins. Londoners stay indoors, glued to the telly, convinced that even a short walk into the streets could be fatal.

"The [ops center] can override all national radio and TV broadcasts in time of crisis," said SCL. Company literature described their niche specialties as "psychological warfare," "public diplomacy," and "influence operations," and they called themselves "the first private-sector provider of psychological operations". SCL's public affairs director, one Mark Broughton, described his company's work as "framing communications to do something that's going to save lives."

Hot crap! We might need them RIGHT NOW! Where's their website? Ooh, they're "upgrading their web presence to improve security and accessibility." Sweet!

Crap though, we don't just need to keep the brainless proles in order.

WE NEED A CURE!

Who do we think might be the best people to pay many millions of dollars to come up with a cure?

WHO WE GONNA CALL?

Baxter.

That's who.

From The Chicago Tribune:

With world health officials worried about the global outbreak of another deadly virus, Deerfield-based Baxter International Inc. once again finds itself involved in the action.

Woo hoo! ACTION!!!!!!!!! Sorry, I got excited. I shall let them continue.

Baxter confirmed over the weekend that it is working with the World Health Organization on a potential vaccine to curb the deadly swine flu virus... Baxter, which has an emerging vaccine business, has worked with the U.S. and foreign countries in the past to develop vaccines for the H5N1 virus commonly known as bird flu. Three years ago, the Bush administration awarded about $1 billion to vaccine makers as a way to increase and speed production... Several vaccine makers, including Baxter, GlaxoSmithKline and others, were awarded multimillion-dollar contracts.

That's right. They did. And they do. Shit, you must have heard of Baxter. Baxter are FAMOUS! You know what Baxter did just two months ago?

Baxter International, sent a flu vaccine, which it had accidentally contaminated with the deadly H5N1 bird flu virus, for testing in the Czech Republic.

Baxter said it contaminated the vaccine with the dangerous virus by accident... Baxter shipped the infected vaccine to the Czech biomedical firm Biotest for testing on ferrets in late January. The exposed employees were given Tamiflu medicine and have been regularly tested... The infected ferrets had to be culled and the laboratory, which is located 70 kilometres east of the Czech capital Prague, was disinfected.

PHEW! That's OK then. Just some dead ferrets. The situation was dealt with swiftly and with care, and nobody got hurt. Sweet!

Oh, hang, on, there was more to the story.

"The experimental product contained live H5N1 avian flu viruses," reports Effect Measure, who continue:

One of the big fears is that people or animals co-infected with a seasonal flu virus of humans and a virulent avian flu virus like H5N1 will act as a mixing vessel. Flu viruses each have eight genetic packages within them and when co-infecting a cell they can mix and match, thus producing new hybrid bird-human viruses. Baxter put both viruses in the same vial, presumably for use as a vaccine. Baxter is calling the mixture an "experimental virus material," whatever that is. All we know is that a nasty live virus cocktail of human and bird influenza virus was made. (Baxter says accidentally). Exactly to whom it was given, if anyone, is not being publicly divulged. We have a news report from an Austrian paper dated February 11, a Wednesday, that tells of 19 people being seen as outpatients at a Vienna hospital the previous Monday (February 9) because of exposure to "bird flu virus..."

Hang on, hang. Rewind. Ur... What? Mixing vessel? New hybrid Human viruses? EXPERIMENTAL VIRUS MATERIAL? ACCIDENT?

OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And my album will be TOTALLY FINISHED on Wednesday!

LAME!

Oh well. Fuck it. Let's all go play Pandemic 2, from CrazyMonkeyGames.com! "Customize your disease and wipe out the population!" The outbreak starts in Mexico!

FUN!

Rah though, I'll tell you one good thing that's come out of this - Jacqui Smith's dastardly plan to MONITOR ALL INTERNET USE (and I hope that includes her donkey porn loving hubby!) will go unnoticed. Genius!