Somebody is fucking with me. Must be. See that there? That is me. See that right whisker (left from where you're looking)? See how it is tiny in length? See that on my left (your right)? See how mighty, how full? See that chin spike, but two months old, verily mocking the right (your left) whisker? Once so long, so proud?

I don't know where it went, is the thing. Now, I have been a little slovenly - I haven't shaved in fortnight or whatever, and I haven't been waxing or conditioning it daily or anything like that. But last week I went out and waxed it and everything, and, while it was always a little lesser than it's trans-face cousin, it only ever lagged a little behind. And last week it was mighty! I looked like a particularly handsome catfish! I was all like, wow, I have been growing this thing over a year and look at it. I actually achieved a thing I set out to. I was patient, and I was rewarded.

And now I find that it is all but gone. Waxless, it sort of tufts out above the right hand corner of a quivering, downturned mouth, like some tufty sneer. I noticed last night it seeming... lesser, somehow, but paid not enough heed, engrossed as I was with the pursuit of liquor and general, frivolity. Whatever. I tried to read The Independent on the nightbus, but was interrupted.

But what, did someone sneak in my room in the middle of the night morning and cut it off? I read that Skygoddamned Samson tale. I was always rather attracted to that one (or rather more likely, Delilah, fulsome of breast as she was in my Ladybird hardback edition). The precarious nature of power, and all that. Well piss and balls saboteur! I am under no delusions! What vague talents I posses may coincidentally have all sort of come together in a slightly useful form in the year I have been nurturing this facial adornment, mayhap that be so! But these things are not connected! I did an excellent bootleg today with half a moustache, and so did I write an excellent two thirds of a song, and demo an excellent one third of another! You can shave my head, fascist, but I shall not stop! You are going to have to fucking SHOOT MY FACE INTO LITTLE WET BITS first!

Ah ah ha ha ha. See how I laugh in the face of extreme personal tragedy.

Ah ha ha ha ha.

Ah ha ha ha sob sob.

Ah ha sob sob sob sob.

Ah sob sob sob wail boo hoo gnash wail.