Richard Timney Sits Home Wanking Over Donkey Porn While His Wife Jacqui Smith Destroys Britain Shocker

Never let it be said that Redditch isn't a den of sin, because it bloody well is. I know, I lived there, and it was sordid. Even now they've closed Our Price I bet rowdy little teenage music fans still gather on the steps in The kingfisher Shopping Centre, clad in torn denim and Nirvana T-Shirts, plotting another under-age assault on The Golden Cross. Tut tut.

When I lived there I paid no attention to politics whatsoever - not unlike now, where the uniformly corrupt and rotten doings of our elected leaders interest me about as much as do those of this year's Big Brother contestants, for good or ill. I am going through a period of Ignoring the swine, which may well be misguided, and isn't easy... especially when one wakes to Radio 4 on a daily basis... but, really, I don't wanna know about evil. I only wanna know about love. Word to John Martyn.

Still, outside of the usual genocidal bullshit, a few smiles can be found amidst the treachery and filth. Home secretary, Redditch MP, Orwellian State Architect and celebrated Aston Villa Fan Jacqui Smith has been paying for her poor pathetic wretch of a husband's online pornography habit on Commons expenses.

Richard Timney plus Meal Ticket in happier times

Oh, ho ho fucking ho!

Dude already gets paid £40,000 out of her allowances as a year to work as her "parliamentary aide" (whatever that involves, fnar fnar etc), so its not like he can't afford to pay for his own porn. And really, anyway, what kind of goon pays for online pornography? Why would anyone ever have to, given the readily available free glut of the stuff permeating every corner and orifice of ye ancient internets? I mean, as far as I can work out, the only reason a person might have to pay for pornography online is if it's really, erm, specialist stuff that they're after. Like giant skat donkey dick, or something equally heinous. Or maybe he's just fucking lazy, and egregiously imbecilic.

Not only that, but amongst the pr0n expenses were bills for viewings of Ocean's 13 and Surfs Up! Christ On Steroids! What kind of freaks are we dealing with here?

I mean, sheeeeeet-it! Ms Smith is already being investigated by the Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards for claiming £116,000 in second-home allowances for her gaff in world-famous Birmingham over-spill town Redditch. Dictionary definition Ho ass ho! Not content with locking people up for months on end with no reason (nice one!), not content with putting all our sensitive data in one easily-abuseable/hackable database (cheers!), and making it illegal for us to take photos of policemen (wow!), this terrifying Nazi has been expecting us, her grateful proletariat, to foot her deviant idiot husband's pr0n bill! That is fucking out of order!

"I am really sorry for any embarrassment I have caused Jacui," said her husband, Richard Timney, in an insincere, half-assed apology yesterday. "And as you know, that money is being paid back."

Nice one, douchebag. You're not sorry for ripping us off, you're just for upsetting your grotesque hag of a meal ticket. This country has been systematically fucking destroyed by you and your fammo, and you're sat home wanking on expenses. You are a fucking disgrace. Cheers!