My name's Akira The Don, and I have three pairs of spectacles, and they're all broken in some way or another. One pair has only one lens, and the other two only have one arm, like the drummer from Def Leopard, or DJ Semtex, who was lighting up the rap Twitters yesterday by beefing with the perma-entertaining Wiley.
Shout out them. Shout also the kid who photoshopped some snow onto some cars and mocked up a fake news report, which UK "newspapers" the Daily Star and The Daily Mail both then ran as factual evidence of real snow.
People often ask my why I don't watch TV or read newspapers, and there's usually something like this going on that I can point to by way of explanation. The universally unquestioning reportage of those hilarious "40 seconds to nuclear death at the hands of Saddaam's crazy death ray" claims our government threw out there to excuse their invasion of Iraq was another. Every day tragic hacks who should be asking Who What Where When Why but in fact ask nothing copy-paste press releases and upload photoshopped post modern artworks and pass them off as "real life", and because so many people lap it all up, that fantasy becomes real life...
Here, for your edutainment, is a word cloud generated by last year's Daily Star headlines:
Some people will say, oh, it's only a tabloid, it's just silly fun, it's inconsequential. And I say, FOOL, you are WRONG, and weep tears for my brothers and sisters and sons and daughters, because despite not reading newspapers or watching television I still get this shit drilled into my unconscious mind every time I go to the corner shop to buy bread... so lord knows what's going on in the minds of all of y'all that watch TV and read newspapers. Shit must be fucking crazy in there.
Never mind that nonsense though, many amazing things happened to me since I last wrote your fine ass. I found the pretzels I used to eat in new York that I have been looking for EVER SINCE in the shop downstairs. Man, you could have knocked me over with a feather duster. I was so gassed you could have used me to power a great big death ray that could take out Iran in 40 seconds.
I also received a beautiful package of beautiful TOYS from Unbox Industries, with whom I am discussing a potential collaboration.
I also spent ten hours in a pub arguing with David Laurie about whether or not women are treated any better now than they wer in the 60s and plotting a Great Artwork, which was super fun and a very rare occurrence. Time was when all I ever seemed to do was sit around in pubs arguing about things passionately and plot Great Artworks. Now I try and spend most of my time making great artworks, or creating the opportunities to create great artworks, which is a lot more productive, but I do miss The Pub, it is one of the greatest places in the world.
My god my head hurt this morning though.
Oh, here's a beautiful thing, off the back of my most recent Jam, Chris de Burgh's Spanish Train:
Art, as I have said on many occasions, is Real Magic - that a certain combination of music and words can redice grown men to tears with mathematical precision on a regular basis, that is Real Magic right there. I spent about four joyful hours the other day crooning along loudly with my favorite De Burgh LPs, and found my eyeholes filling with water in the usual places, as by - nay, by magic. I then investigated the new Lana Del Ray album, as I love the songs I've heard of hers, and two of them actually make me cry pretty much every time I heard them.
Well, I can confidently report that there are a few more genuinely brilliant songs on the album, and there are also some wonderful production flourishes courtesy of my old pal Emile, who you may recall for his work on my songs Back In The Day and Moving On (the latter of which I notice isn't in my discography, oops)... and more recently Kanye's Runaway, which explains why much of the LDR LP sounded to my ears like Tori Amos as produced by the aforementioned Mr West. Which is a pretty lovely sonic package.
Of course, if I watched TV or read newspapers (or mainstream blog sites) my friends tell me I would be sick of Ms Del Ray by this point, so there's another reason for you.