Readers' Wives' Husbands With Toothless Decay.

My band, The Women, and I rehearsed in Stoke Newington this Zombie Deity Day evening. We were joined by Why Lout?, who appear on a new composition of mine, which will be unveiled live this coming Thursday, at Camden's Dublin Castle, as part of the Camden Crawl. I think it is fitting that this particular song be born there. You will no doubt concur, when you hear it tomorrow, on ATD12.

I don't know what time that mixtape will be live, by the way. Probably late. There is a lot to do still. It is going to be the best thing I have yet done, you see. I hope. I try.

You know.

I know Murdoch bought MySpace, I know its ugly, I know its distills us to surface, I know it's vain, I know it's a Trojan Horse... but it is still kind of amazing. It is the only website that ever made me cry. Because people message me, and sometimes I will look at their pages, and I read their hopes and dreams, and those of their fiends, and it is beautiful.

A 14 year old girl from Michigan in the US of A called Jorgie just left the following message on my page:

"ONE OF MY BUDS TOLD ME 2 ADD U HE SAYS UR HIS IDOL, ANYWAY HE HAS A SONG OF URS ON HIS PROFILE AND EVERYTHING!"

The lad in question messaged me at the same time asking if I was going to come and play in his hometown. I hope I get to.

But I read Jorjie's page, and in the "about me" section, she'd written the following:

"MY FULL NAME IS JORDAN RAE GEE. I AM FEMALE 14 YEAR OLD GIRL FROM ALMA. I LOVE TO LISTEN TO MUSIC AND JUST HANG OUT. I HAVE ANNOYING TWIN BROTHER. WHO IS PRETTY MUCH A FAG. BUT IM NOT GOING TO GET OFF TOPIC. I AM A PRETTY GOOD RUNNER AND MADE VARSITY THIS YEAR WHICH IS PRETTY GOOD FOR A FRESHMAN. I AM REALLY IN TO SPORTS BUT NOT OBSESSED. I LOVE HANGING OUT WITH FRIENDS AT THE BOWLING ALLEY OR AT THE MOVIES. MY FAVORITE COLOR IS PINK. I HAVE LOTS OF FRIENDS LIKE; MARY, AUTUMN, ELLEN, ARI, BOVEE, SHAELYN, HEATHER.......BY THE WAY IM SINGLE JUST GOT DUMPED!YEAH IT SUCKED. ANYWAY IM TRYING TO GET GOOD GRADES SO THAT I DON'T GET KICKED OFF THE TRACK TEAM. ITS SPRING BREAK WRITE NOW AND IM HANGING OUT WITH AUTUMN. I PRETTY MUCH HATE ALL MY TEACHERS. I AM ABOUT TO SHOOT MY BROTHER WITH AN AIRSOFT GUN. I THINK ILL PROUBLY END UP SMOTHERING HIM IN HIS SLEEP SOMETIME. HOLY SHIT! MOTHER FUCK! MY BROTHER AND HIS FRIEND PETERMAN JUST CAUSED A FOREST FIRE! NOT EVEN JOKING THE FIRE DEPARTMENT ALMOST CAME. I WAS ABOUT TO CALL SMOKEY. MY DREAM FOR WHEN I AM OLDER IS TO BE AN ARCHITECT. I HAVE HAD THAT DREAM FOR A WHILE NOW. MY FAVORITE NUMBER IS 5 OR 13. EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE SAYS ITS UNLUCKY IVE HAD THE MOST GOOD LUCK WITH IT. MY FAVORITE CANDY IS SOUR PATCH KIDS. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. MY JERKOFF BOYFRIEND JUST BROKE UP WITH ME, IM PRETTY SURE HE WAS CHEETING ON ME THOUGH. MY NICKNAME IS JORGIE BRILLIANTLY GIVEN TO ME BY AUTUMN COX. I HAVE A SISTER NAMED KELLY WHO I PRETTY MUCH NEVER SEE. SHE HAS DAUGHTER NOW AND ANOTHER ONE ON THE WAY. I AM A GEMINI WHICH IS REALLY WEIRD BECAUSE THAT IS THE SIGN OF THE TWINS AND I AM A TWIN. MY BIRTHSTONE IS AN EMERALD BUT I DON'T LIKE ,SO ON MY CLASS RING I GOT A AQUAMARINE COLORED STONE. OH YEAH BY THE WAY I GOT MY VARSITY JACKET AND ITS PRETTY SWEET. I LIKE CAKE. MY HAIR COLOR IS BLONDISH, AND I HAVE HAZEL EYES. BUT I WEAR GLASSES, AND IM GETTING CONTACT SOON. PETERMAN PRETTY MUCH LIVES WITH US HE IS OVER EVERY WEEKEND. I AM GOING TO TRAVERSE CITY THIS WEEKEND TO MEET UP WITH ONE OF MY FRIENDS MARY POPPINS THATS NOT HER REAL NAME BUT THATS WHAT SOME PEOPLE CALL HER. OH YES AND I LOVE TO GO SNOWBOARDING. P.S. IF YOU SNOWBOARD TAKE MY ADVICE ON MY HEADLINE! BE GOOD KIDS( IF IT HURTS STAY DOWN). DONT DO ANYTHING I WOULDN'T DO!"

And, for no decent reason, that made me cry.

Then I looked at my little brother Zef's page, and he'd posted this picture to your right. Underneath he'd written, "she is the love of my zeffy life". This also made me cry.

BLUB!

It is easy to forget about people being people, people having dreams, people being in love, people being people. Wrapped in the bubble of your head. Forgetting we are not apart at all.

This kid to your right left a message on my page, "yo dude waz up!" He's a 13 year old resident of Oregon, USA. He's got my song, CLONES on his page. Underneath that picture of him, he's written "me and my 12gage shotgun". There's another picture of a baby. Underneath it says "my awsome cuzen nathen hes allmost awsomer then me!!" Under another picture of himself, he's written, "my dorkey 13 year old me..i cant w8t till im atlest 18." ANother of a gun, underwritten, " my awsome star380". And another picture, of his dead mother. It killed me.

I am a big gaylord,yes?

Hey yo, I bought an MP3 today. BOUGHT! True storezs. First time ever. This is because I couldn't find it on Limewire. It was the Doctor and Bearman remix of The Streets' When You Wasn't Famous. It looked amazing on paper. It cost £1.50 - I sent a text message to a number, they sent back a number, I typed it on a webpage, and got an MP3. But it wasn't an MP3. It was a Windows Media file. And once it had downloaded, it wouldn't play in Winamp, and I had to download a licence for it. This took ages and annoyed me somewhat. And after all that, the song was crap! Crap! Bearman totally let me down! Ga-DANG! Fuck that for a game of Tetris.

Hmm. I have a text file, on which I jot things to include in my next post, as I traverse the internet. Last night I was drunk, so I don't know why I wrote, "Big up the_caitiff who seems to be going through some shit". But I did. It says IMPORTANT next to it. I don't know who the_caitiff is. But, yeah, big up. Drunk me meant it. Sober me doesn't remember why. This says a lot. I am sorry.

Last nigyht, I remebered that the hospital in Liverpool they took me to to cut apart my penis when I was eight had a painting of Roy Castle on the wall.

Why in the name of all that you call holy would that occur to me? What else comes back when I am drunk, that would be instantly lost again, were it not for late night text messages?

Oh yeah. According to pink wrestling drunkard thief of oranges Charlotte (the text file again), the guys in Pronto Pizza, my local pizza place (duh), were watching gay porn the other night. Leather pants and strap-ons and all sorts. She told them to get a room and they said something about going out back. I don't know what the world is coming to.

Still, it is good in my 'hood. I went to the newsagent to buy a bagguette yesterday and they'd run out. Noticing my sadness, the man behind the counter said if I came back in 20 minutes they'd have baked me one specially. And lo, they did! Small mercies make for a wonderful life, it is truth and reality, my friend.

Speaking of which, my labelmate (oh the hilarity) Eminem has a relatively new Monty Python inspired website design at eminem.com, which, aside from songs and animations and self depreciating humour, contains an entirely bizarre Smiths reference. Mouseover a record on one page, and it says "reissue reissue repackage reevaluate the songs please them please them bleaurgh!" Wot? That is fucking mad. And this isn't anything to do with me, before you ask. Me? I am nothing! A talented, handsome, occasionally confused, usually unthinking, mildly retarded, tangle-haired, wide-eyed, blood-filled, lovefull, baleful, awe-full, mournful, joyfull nobody, and I love you, I love you, I love you.

Hey, the amazing Piranha Deathray's debut single is out today. Go to their shitty website, they should help you get it. It is great. I am going to see them play a gig today. Come! I will hold your hand. We can clink glasses, like brothers, like sailors, like babies.

I leave you with a poem. It was left for me, on my computer, yesterday. So I leave it for you. That's how it works.

Get Drunk

Always be drunk. That's it! The great imperative! In order not to feel Time's horrid fardel bruise your shoulders, grinding you into the earth, Get drunk and stay that way. On what? On wine, poetry, virtue, whatever. But get drunk. And if you sometimes happen to wake up on the porches of a palace, in the green grass of a ditch, in the dismal loneliness of your own room, your drunkenness gone or disappearing, ask the wind, the wave, the star, the bird, the clock, ask everything that flees, everything that groans or rolls or sings, everything that speaks, ask what time it is; and the wind, the wave, the star, the bird, the clock will answer you: "Time to get drunk! Don't be martyred slaves of Time, Get drunk! Stay drunk! On wine, virtue, poetry, whatever!"

Charles Baudelaire