Que?

That cartoon there, by the ever wry Nicholas Gurewitch, raises an excellent point regarding the ever-flawed on-screen depiction of vampires, I think. The perma-brooding Buffy co-star Angel, for example, sees nothing in his mirror, but surely we should see half a pound of hair gel floating about, hmm? Quite.

Ah, glories of the interweb. Mere moments after enquiring of you what all that foreign regarding myself was about earlier, a reader, one Simon Lasett writes:

"Babelfish, he say

The one of the Welshman Akira The Don we could say that he is something as well as the one of Juan Palomo, that is to say, I I stew and I like, but it is that it is truth. Aside from doing hip hop fused with the first sort that is happened to you, the chaval becomes the animations flash for its videos and in case still it was not little work, also curra blog that visited it, until makes very poquito, 70,000 people. Dale the welcome to new bad boy cybernetic.

Couldn’t agree more :)"

Me neither. Brillopad. I reward you with a story, or something, my little brother posted on his website (I nicked "brillopad" off of him an all).

The Virginity Badger

I was seven when Alwyn first called me a ‘virgin’. Alwyn was really cool – he was always the one who introduced new insults to our school. I was six when he first called me a ‘bastard’, five when he first called me a ‘cock’ and four when he first called me a ‘cunt’.

Alwyn always learnt the words from his dad, Gwyn. Gwyn was really cool too – he must have been cool to know all those words. When I used to go and stay the night in their farmhouse I’d hear him shouting them from the living room pretty much all the time: Bastard, cock, cunt. I knew what all those things were though, so they didn’t bother me anymore. But when I was seven, ‘virgin’ was a new one.

Obviously, I spent ages saying I wasn’t a virgin, but I couldn’t prove it because I didn’t know what one was. Alwyn never taught you what a word meant – you had to work it out.

I asked my sister, Sian, because I was the only one with an older sister. Sian was fifteen and she said I was a virgin, because of something to do with a ‘condom’. But I was playing Sonic The Hedgehog then, so I was only half listening.

Anyway, I thought I was really clever the next day, when Alwyn called me a virgin and I said,

“Shut it, you condom.”

But then he said,

“You’re just jealous ‘cause the Virginity Badger hasn’t come to you yet.”

And I said,

“What?”

And he told me that if you didn’t want to be a virgin, you had to put a ‘condom’ under your pillow to protect you from the Virginity Badger – so that when he came you’d be okay. That’s what a ‘condom’ was – protection. My new word, and Alwyn knew what it meant before me. That was pretty gutting. Not only that, but I’d never even heard of the Virginity Badger before. Only boring stuff like the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny.

Anyway, while Sian was away one week I went through her stuff and after loads of horrible fluffy, slimy, glittery things that I didn’t understand, I found a box with ‘condoms’ written on, and took one and put it under my pillow.

I didn’t know what I’d do with it when they came. I didn’t know what they’d do with me when they came either, but I was pretty scared.

Alwyn suddenly moved away and he never came to say goodbye and the headmaster just said he’d gone and didn’t explain it. I was pretty gutted then because my sister would get annoyed if I asked her too many questions and you don’t ask my mum questions like that, not if you don’t want a slap.

Anyway, I had that condom under my pillow for years – I even carried it around with me in my wallet. Once a teacher confiscated it in class, but I got another one before the badger had a chance to get me. One year at Centre Parks there were badgers on the patio, snorting and grunting really loud every night. I didn’t get any sleep at all. I just held on to the condom, ready to rip open the packet in case they came in and tried to get me.

When I went to big school on the mainland, I met Alwyn again and pretty much the first thing I asked him was about the Virginity Badger and he said, “You stupid bastard, it’s just your dad dressed up in a suit – like Santa Claus.” So I felt pretty stupid after that.