Myths of Creation # 2
Ex-Goatherders keyboardist to release solo album
Unknown (possibly trademark-infringing) label, Dental Records, will proudly release the album on 1st December, 2007 in limited edition 32X CD-R with hp inkjet-printed covers designed by Glaswegian Formal Constructivist, Jon Prior.
"It's been a f***ing long time coming," slurred Thesvenhunter, when we finally managed to get through to him at 2:45 p.m. earlier today:
"Those c***s from The Goatherders have tried their best at every turn to thwart me on this one. They ran off with the first demos and had them packed into suitcases and exploded off the (World Heritage) Jurassic coast in Dorset. B******s. After all I did for them. Anyway, that's all in the past. If you believe time is linear, which (obviously) I don't. Sh*t."
The forthcoming album has been hotly anticipated by the scene (whatever that is) in England, particularly in Chiswick, where there have been unconfirmed reports of stabbings in the rather presumptuous queues outside the record shops. Said queues have been made all the more presumptuous by Thesvenhunter's insistence that the album will only be made available by order from his personal website, which he hasn't updated for almost two years:
"Yeah, f*** all that corporate t*******. Anyone who lets a 'shop' 'sell' their 'record' is obviously a z******. Basically, I'm decapitating the middle man, and his wife and kids. And dog. This is the way forward for musicians and soon everyone will realise that I am basically like the Jesus and/or Julian Cope of my era."
An unconfirmed track list has been revealed to us by Thesvenhunter, and it reads like this:
1) Smell memory (2007) 2) My unlucky pants 3) My magic wand 4) Camel Riders 5) Who would win out of colossal squid Vs. estuarine crocodile? 6) Better off alone 7) At least a silver rule 8) Suck the poison from my penis 9) Overdose on your sofa 10) Got to give it up 11) An honest lament / Venezuela 12) Dead babies 13) Bravo Juliette 14) Nemo 14) You went to Prague
Early reviews on leaked demos go as follows:
"These are the worst songs I've ever heard." - Paul Evans, critic.
"Has the same chords all the way through." - Robert Evans, musician.
"Batshit horrible." - Akira The Don, musician.
We have been told to expect the unexpected, and that this album will quite probably reinvent (or even misunderstand) what is currently understood to be 'music' and/or 'a saleable product'. Thesvenhunter's own manifesto for this album was:
"To create something of the upmost (sic) joy and sinceritty (sic), whilst also totally f***ing up the cistern (sic?)."
Thesvenhunter's manager, known only as 'The F***ing Man' (whether this nickname is derogatory or complimentary is unclear) assures us that we will be blown away by the album, come December:
"Obviously I haven't heard it,"
he said in a bad Scottish accent, suspiciously quickly after being called in from the next room by Thesvenhunter,
"But the little q****** has been in that room for weeks so he must have been doing something, och? Sometimes I walk past and it sounds like Dragonforce, sometimes Phil Ochs, sometimes Patrick Wolf. Unless he's just listening to I-Tunes in there, it promises to be pretty diverse! Och!"
Inquiries should be directed to Thesvenhunter's management at
E-mail: thesvenhunter at gmail.com
Notes to editors
Thesvenhunter is a non-profit entity despite continued efforts. Do not approach Thesvenhunter without a good excuse. Flammable. Contains nuts.