I was like, shit dude, they're taking the piss out of us. That was nearly five years ago - what was it, two days after the aeroplanes smashed with such apocalyptic, cinematic magnificence into those great big steel and concrete peni? - when the front pages of the tabloids beamed forth the face of a brown man, apparently one of the "hijackers". They knew this, they said, because they'd found his passport. It had managed to flap out of the plane, with it's leathery hide making like wings, perhaps, survived a fireball the size of God, and fluttered, like a feather, earthward, where it settled graceful atop a pile of rubble and filing cabinets and dead folk, and lay in wait for the clever policemans.
You remember that?
I thought it was funny. I laughed like an amus-ed drain.
Of course, in the years that followed, veritable mountains of evidence did pile themselves up, only to be ignored by the media in general. I have posted all manner of links over the past year, but I'm sure many of you didn't feel the need to click them , because you're not stupid, and the second those buildings fell, you knew what the fuck was up. Deep down you did. Even so, it is always nice to have one's instincts confirmed by HARD FACTS, right? So kindly click here. A fucking barrage of facts, all concisely put into a nice sarcastic column of words. If you can't be fucked reading all the pretty words, there are lots of DVDs you can buy.
The other day, when they pulled that crap in London, I was like, DUDE! They are taking the fucking PISS! Serious! I am dehydrated! I might faint! I've a headache! They done tooken ALL OF MY PISS! And yours! Because they haven't got enough in the ocean! OH NO!
Smoking guns, said Blob, smoking guns in such abundance, well, you can't fucking see for all the fucking SMOKE!
They are so taking the piss. Fireproof passports. Fucking suicided "hijackers" turning up in newspapers ALIVE. Fucking Charles Clarke. I was all, man, they must think we're really dumb.
But then, I get this email off of Jeres. Jeres plays guitar with me sometimes, and in his own band Piranha Deathray, and he co-edits PlayLouder these days, entertaining the world with references to seventies sitcoms nobody under the age of 30 understands. He is a bright lad, as lads of his age go. He used to be a preacher. He was Cornwall's youngest preacher. But he renounced all that for booze.
Anyway. He wrote, in a mail entitled "Silly and naive":
Tony Blair didn't blow anyone up. Al qaeda did. It's pathetic and offensive and I think it's about time you addressed some issues. You'd really like it to all be true in your little boy world where it's you against the man, but get some fucking perspective.
When you talk about Germany in the 30's you're so way off. For a start the country was in huge economic recession and they were looking for someone, anyone to blame, and Hitler with his diseased nonsense cleverly manipulated the situation, partly because he had Goebbels behind him, who was a master propganda strategist. And the only thing those governments have in common is the fact that Alastair Cambell and Goebbels are the same. Tony didn't sit in a fucking prison in 1924 writing a tome of revolting racist madness.
And while I'm here, I am disappointed by your seething contempt for Bob Geldolf. Bob Geldolf is a genuis.
I'll see you in Lonodn.
Jeres is 32, but his passport says he's 30. I don't know where Jeres gets the idea that "Al qaeda" it. I asked him, but he hasn't replied yet. Where do you get these crazy ideas Jeres? Because someone put a post on a messageboard misquoting the Koran? Some "previously unknown European cell", they were calling it? ARE YOU ON FUCKING DRUGS?
Now, aside from the FACT that we have NO PROOF that they had ANYTHING TO DO WITH 911, or those Madrid Bombings (and that last, immensely convenient Bin Laden tape that came out RIGHT BEFORE THE US ELECTION doesn't count), I do recal those wacky terrorists claiming responsibility for some other stuff. Like that time they claimed responsibility for those blackouts in the US and Canada a few years back. That was a hoot. Oh, and that anthrax they traced back to Fort Detrick. HAHAHAHA! Comedy!
Anyway, I digress. Jeres, how is it "offensive" to suggest government complicity in these rotten events given the weight of all the EVIDENCE, with the beneficial hindsight of HISTORY? So, if you REALLY think it was "Al qaeda", you must also think them to be the dumbest people in the world. And fucking rubbish hardcore Islamijahadistnuttebars to boot. They'd have to be fucking RETARDS, Jeres! Aside from missquoting the Koran, bodging up the explosions, etc., they managed to do it at just a time when Bush had hit an all time polls rating LOW (43% was it?!), and was about to be BOLLOCKED by some rich men in suits about climate change, Karl Rove impeached for treason... isn't that GOOD for them? Weren't we, we Britishers, about to pull a load of troops out of Iraq? Not now though! OOPS! Stupid Islamijihadistnutbars! You fucked up now! Now you're gonna get even MORE WAR on your terrorist ASS! And you won't like that!
Also, I don't see how you can brush aside all the very large and face-slapping similarities between the events of the thirties and those now because Tony Blair hasn't been to prison and you don't have to pay for your cider with wheelbarrows full of pennies. That is just weird logic, and I don't know what to do with it save LAUGH, and maybe SOB, because if you, dear friend of mine, are so fucking indoctrinated and in love with your government, what hope for the rest?
Well, I'm like Whitney. I believe the children are our future. And children aint stupid. That's why they're getting them all on ritalin and pumping them really bad cartoons (not like in my day, Telebugs, blah blah), but it won't work cos they're all up on the net downloading System Of A Down and reading stuff, and they know what the fuck is up. All they've ever known their governments to do is LIE, and FUCK ON THEIR MSN BUDDIES all over the WORLD, Skygoddmanittoblazes! So we may yet triumph! BWAH HA HA HA!
So. I'll assume that bit about Bob Geldoff was a joke (although I Don't Like Mondays is a TUNE!), and send you all my love, and again, urge you to read this. And I'll see you at rehearsal on Thursday, you vicious bastard.
Oh, and Jeres? It's not me against the man, it's us against the man. So I shall sign off with a song. Well, a poem, but I first heard Billy Bragg's interpretaion, so it is a song to me, I hear the tune when I read it, and dear Billy's lovely braying...
Rome never looks where she treads. Always her heavy hooves fall On our stomachs, our hearts or our heads; And Rome never heeds when we bawl. Her sentries pass on -- that is all, And we gather behind them in hordes, And plot to reconquer the Wall, With only our tongues for our swords.
We are the Little Folk -- we! Too little to love or to hate. Leave us alone and you'll see How we can drag down the State! We are the worm in the wood! We are the rot at the root! We are the taint in the blood! We are the thorn in the foot!
Mistletoe killing an oak -- Rats gnawing cables in two -- Moths making holes in a cloak -- How they must love what they do! Yes -- and we Little Folk too, We are busy as they -- Working our works out of view -- Watch, and you'll see it some day!
No indeed! We are not strong, But we know Peoples that are. Yes, and we'll guide them along To smash and destroy you in War! We shall be slaves just the same? Yes, we have always been slaves, But you -- you will die of the shame, And then we shall dance on your graves!
-- Rudyard Kipling