Mummy Knows Best: Twilight New Moon Review!

mummy1 New irregular feature alert! New irregular feature alert!

Yes, not only is she sorting out the legal nightmare that is LP2's Sample Situation, but I have now employed My Mother to write movie reviews for Zing! And when I say "employed", I mean "told to write something about the film she was going to see anyway", not, like, you know, paid her or bought the ticket or anything crazy like that. Come on!

So, without further ado, let's hear what My Mum and My Mum's Boyfriend Keith thought about the movie of the moment - The Twilight Saga : New Moon!

A Catastrophe Of Wolves

By Akira The Don's Mum, 2009

The Twilight Saga : New Moon is a teen vampire movie. From that description you may correctly deduce that its main themes are teenagers and vampires and/or teenage vampires; you would be right on both counts. You may also deduce from the word ‘saga’ that there is more than one Twilight movie. Right again. This is the second adaptation of an indeterminate amount of novels by an unknown (to me) author and similarly unknown (again, to me) producer. In fact I know very little of the technicalities and even had to google the title. I can even say with the utmost truth, that I do not know the names of any of the actors. So, if you want to know those things, you had better read another review [OK, we will, thanks - ATD].

The film is a continuation of the tale told in the first film, of ill-fated love between Bella, a teenage girl and Edward her erstwhile vegetarian vampire lover. ‘Lover’ is used here in the archaic sense of the word. A significant aspect of the story is that while there is passion a-plenty between the star-crossed lovers (who are, of course, studying Romeo and Juliet in class) there is no sex! Edward can never ‘lose control’ with Bella lest he gets carried away and devours her by mistake. Here we hit on the immense appeal of the story to its female fans; what better proof of ultimate romantic love than the lover who wants nothing in return? A super-strong, super-fast guardian angel whose only drawback is that he sparkles in the sun [This is the same reason you watched seven seasons of Buffy as well then, right? - ATD].

This much was the stuff of Twilight the first. For extra appeal New Moon adds to this a rival love interest in the form of a gawky Native American teen who overnight turns into a muscle-rippling, motorbike-hefting adversary to sparkly Edward. Other additional features include a trip to Italy to meet some hardcore vamps and a pack of giant CGI wolves. The wolves are the downfall of New Moon. Not for a split second are we convinced by these awful creatures. They instantly break the spell cast by the beautiful scenery, the tragic fairy-tale story and the fine acting of the cast. All of a sudden it is just silly. When the wolves are off screen we can begin to suspend disbelief but it is never the same. Back they come, looking like the big bloke from accounts dressed up for Children in Need.

I would like to say that if the saga continues, I will not be tempted by a third Twilight but despite the lupine irritation, I am glad that I saw New Moon but I think that is because I am a female and although I am not a teen, I was once…

Keith’s review:

“That was tedious; I wish we had gone to see 2012”.

Ahahahaha! Thanks guys! That was great! I think we all learned something very valuable there. I now know not to bother watching The Twilight Saga : New Moon as I am not a teenage girl, and so do my readerlisteners (aside from those who ARE teenage girls, or used to be, or would like to know what makes them tick, and actually, you DO know what makes teenage girls tick now, so say thank you and put a penny in the basket when it comes round).

So gang, what shall we send my mum to review next?