My brother, the computer genius, has deleted every song I ever made up until a few months back.
I have lost all my songs.
And all the cartoons I drew over the past few years, and all the writing I did, and all the weird little plug ins I'd gotten, and all my photos, and god knows what else.
All the stuff I did in Crack Village, between 2001 and 2004.
My flyers and poster and T Shirt design things, my diaries, my schemes.
He says I told him he could.
Why the fuck would I do that?
I already lost all the stuff I did while I was at PlayLouder, another case of me apparently telling another computer genius to wipe my fucking hard drive.
When I got back from America last year, I returned to PlayLouder's offices to find all my letters, drawings, photos, and personal effects, mysteriously disappeared.
I left my CD walkman and my brand new amazing headphones the the other week and they up and vanished too.
I imagine I shall return from America this time to a burgled house.
Oh, and I just found out I've somehow lost seven hundred and fifty pounds from my bank, also.
WAH! WOE! SOB!
I sort of wandered about my room for a little while when I first found out. Marek says I guided him through the fucking backup of the thing. I swear, he must be on fucking drugs. Maybe I've gone mad. Have I been going into weirdo Tyler Durden episodes and trying sabotage myself?
I haven't been to sleep for a long time now. The day before yesterday it was. I was so happy! Wade and me sat in my room like it was an office, on computers, me drawing cartoons all day long, him doing email business, listening to amazing songs. I kept saying, wow, I'm so happy!
I was! I felt so great!
I kind of burst into tears a little bit ago. Had a tiny shout at the ceiling. You know. I didn't shout at Marek. it's not like he did it on purpose. Well, I mean he did, but you know what I mean.
Birddogg seems allergic to his telephone and aswereth me not.
I rang wade but he was in a club and sort of shouted something at me about texting him or something.
I'm kind of scared to go to sleep now because I might not wake up and I'll miss my flight. So I figured I'd go to Jeremy's and he could make sure I get up, cos noone's here, but I lost my phone didn't I and don't have his number on my new one. I rang Luke for it but he picked up and hung up on me.
I bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked them, and drank some beer and vodka, because that's the stupid shit you do when you're fucking stupid I guess. Now my room smells of cigarettes and so do I. I quit cigarettes two years ago. Two years! It doesn't seem that long. Life fucking accelerates like a motherfucker.
But, excuse all this swearing, but, fuck it.
It's gonna make the recording we're supposed to be doing in New York difficult, but, SO WHAT! I can make new songs! My new songs are awesome! They shit on most of those old songs! Screw those songs! Who needs them! Not me! I've got an amazing studio in my fucking bedroom! I've got a fucking laptop and a fucking tablet! I have all the suff I anted so i could make things, and I am fucking making fucking loads of things, so FUCK IT!
Wasn't I saying, like nearly this time yesterday morning that I don't really think about old shit? I DO NOT REMINISCE! I MOVE FORWARD! I BIG ROBOT MAN BOOM! ARGH!
Damn, I was all like, FUCKING MAREK earlier, but now I'm Okaying out a bit. Like, I don't want to be pissed off with him anyway. We've always kind of been a bit clashy with each other, but when he stayed recently it was ace, I really missed him when he was gone. And it was nice chatting with him on the phone the other day. He called me "bruvva"! Which is TRUE! I love all my brothers! They're amazing!
Wow, now I'm all welling up again. This has been an emotional couple of days.
Shit, I really should go to bed I think.