I Think I'm Big CHEECH... Larry David

Happy Tuesday! It's 00:40 am here in hot-ass Londinium, and I have just finished drawing a MIND MAP, which was an interesting, if initially deeply frustrating exercise. I was pretty much banging my big ole Polish Heed against the proverbial brick wall for the first few hours, but in the last few I fell into my groove, a thing of beauty was born. I am afraid you cannot see it as it was for a corporate client. And no I am not telling you who either. I need my mystique!

Rest assured, however, they paid me, and that money will be going toward The Budget for The Life Equation. We're shooting the first video in three weeks. It was supposed to be this weekend but our D.O.P. got a job in L.A. or something, and its raining. So I guess I'll be in town for Hackney Wicked. Either that or we'll avoid it again and go to Wales. There's gonna be 50,000 people in my hood for a flipping art festival all weekend, and art festival goers are noisy fuckers.

I am also a little hurt that no one has asked me to play or anything, to be honest. Fuck these ingrates! A legend lives in their midsts, and do they pay tribute? Do they fuck! Perhaps they snub me because I smile at them all on my way to the Post Office/Gym/shop to buy gas. Some of these skinny-trousered fuckers visiby wince at smiles. Trendy fucktards. Fie on them and their garotted ballsacks! I don't need them anyway. I have you dear reader, and that is plenty for me.

How are you anyway? It feels as if I haven't asked that for a while. Please tell me, I am genuinely interested. Have you listened to that Teflon Don yet? I swear to you dear brother, dear sister, it is a fucking masterpiece. I have listened to it at least three times every day since last Wednesday. It's only 11 tracks long, so I let it play on loop. It is especially good music to cycle to. I bomb through the End Of East en route to one of the two gyms me and Jeres frequent, singing and rapping along at the top of my lungs and scaring the living shit out the tight trousered brigade. They must think I think I'm Big Meech by now, but I don't.

I think I'm Adam Alpha.

Yes indeed brothers and sisters! And it is a brave new day. I just got complete control and ownership of my back catalogue, so you can say bye bye to that shitty re-released version of When We Were Young, and you can say HELLO to a swathe of new shit, super soon. And that will be global, oh my brothers and sisters. I only found out last week my label hadn't bothered to release my shit globally. I just assumed they had. What spoons! And what a spoon was I, for not checking. No wonder I keep getting emails like this:

from: Chris Masey

to: Akira The Don subject: Question about iTunes in U.S?

I've been trying to get my hands on your albums for the longest time,

Sad news I saw that we only got I am not dead (Yeah!), (Which I did buy, Listen to, And overplay it.)

I kinda feel left high and dry here in US, You think you could pull some albums down here?

I'd do anything for that shit to happen mate.

Daaaaaamn, huh?  Naturally, I sent Chris in the direction of THE SHOP. And lo, he did proceed to fill his basket to the brim, and for that I must applaud him. I applaud you Chris! You are wise and righteous, and your name will live forever, right here, on akirathedon.com, the Home Of Heroes.

Speaking of heroes, Jeres, Jim, Joey and me are gonna be rehearsing for THE FESTIVAL on Wednesday, If you're lucky they might jusy hang around for The Doncast and we'll serenade your fine ass. You think I've just been sat around playing with my complimentary X-Box for the past week, dontcha? Ha! How wrong you are! I've only done, like, 5 missions in The Ballad Of Gay Tony, dammnit! I haven't even gone online with the thing yet! I have been doing MANY RIGHTEOUS THINGS, like sussing out setlists with my peoples! HELL YEAH! We have a provisional setlist that reads like an A to Z of THE GREATEST SONGS EVER MADE!

(By me. Obviously. I didn't write all the great songs. I just dreamed I did.)

Speaking of which, you know I saw Inception last weekend, and the place was rammed with loud rude assholes, and ants crawled all over me, and the manager lady gave us complimentary tickets to the Odeon of our choice? Well, we went to the GREAT BIG IMAX ONE in Greenwich on the weekend and watched Toy Story 3. We sat in a nicely air conditioned massive-ass room FULL OF CHILDREN, and it was a pleasure to be in their company. They laughed in the RIGHT PLACES (ie, the funny ones, not the tender moments), and they didn't laugh too loud either, and they didn't over-rustle, and they didn't throw popcorn around the place or make nasty smells, or summon a plague of ants. They were good as gold, actually, and as I so often do, I remembered Our Lord And Saviour Jesus H Christ's wise words about being like children, and copying them. Obviously this does not extend to shitting your pants or anything, let us not be too literal here. What ol Jeezy meant was school/society is some rotten bullshit that ruins perfectly good humans and turns them into jabbering assholes, and we should all check ourselves on the regular 'cos we've probably started acting like one of them, and not like dear little Timmy who sees joy and wonder wherever he looks. And shits his pants. Obviously.

Oh yeah, and the other thing is, you know all that stuff they're saying about Inception being this amazing, awe inspiring, existential modern masterpiece? That's bollocks. It isn't.

But Toy Story 3 is.

So there.

Anyway. Here's a question, gentle reader. And it is an important one... What words and phrases do you think of when you think of Akira The Don? Enquiring Minds, need to know. I realise that my vocabulary shifts - or rather, lurches - off on a slight new tangent every fortnight or so, and has done as long as I can remember, so I would be interested to know what has stuck. I know I used to say "RAH!" a lot. Less so now, but still a little. BROCKWILE! That was years ago. I am considering making a Lexicon of Don. Answers in the comments please. A fabulous PRIZE will go to a random entrant, and I shall read it all out and announce it on Ye Mighty Doncast, tomorrow.