Hove Is An Icy Deathtrap

Snowdon By Charlotte

As you know, yesserday I went to Hove, of the famous Brighton & Hove, to have a pagan Christmas celebration with my girl's sister and to entertain my common law niece. Hell yaw we did indeed have a great time, watching the excitable little munchkin open her presents, or attempting to open her presents then getting other people to help her since she's only got tiny little hands. She did good - we got the most mileage out of this dope-ass loop-the-loop matchbox car getup that cost her Mummy Moo a princely £7, but the most ridonculously balling thing she got was a Fisher Price Digital Camera.





I had no idea we were THAT far in the future. Girl's three years old and she's rocking a bright pink, inde-frickin-structible digital camera. And it, she tested that theory immediately by lobbing it at the floor. Rah though. Imagine! When she's thirty she might be able to look back on photos SHE took when she was THREE (so long as Mummy remembers to BACK UP!)... Man, I can't even remember being three. For all I know I might have been made with one of those meat printers in 2020 and sent back to the  past to save mankind. I can't remember shit, and I am less inclined to trust my parents memories these days - but I suppose I shall have to admit I have yet to save mankind. Unless my role was to instigate one of those butterfly scenarios. Maybe the fact that I couldn't pay my phone bill and T-mobile cut me off leads to me not answering some text on Christmas day, which leads to someone catching feelings, which leads to someone else catching the brunt of those feelings, which leads to them leaving that person, and hooking up with a new person, and having kids with that person, one of whom goes on to defeat the inevitable robot invasion in 2027. Cos seven year olds are gonna be GULLY in 2027, if Fisher Price keeps this shit up. She who owns the past controls the future.

Anyway. I was mentioning Hove because that place only went and nearly killed my mankind-saving ass. Rah! Their pavements are ENTIRELY COVERED IN ICE, because the council are refusing to grit them. And my soles aren't very grippy, and I didn't think of walking in the road, so I FELL right on my ASS in a big comedy ARC walking down the hill from the station, and if I hadn't been wearing two massive coats (cheers baby!) I might not have been cushioned enough to avoid CRACKING MY AMAZING SKULL OPEN and spraying Hove's ice with my gooey brain matter. IMAGINE THAT, Hove Council! MANKIND'S DOOM WOULD HAVE BEEN YOUR FAULT! TOSSERS! On the way back I saw a local newspaper headline screaming about 250-odd people hospitalised by Ice Pavements. That's just fucking wrong. You Hovians are paying £100 a month each in council tax for PAVEMENTS MADE OF ICE? You should be taking to the STREETS in your thousands! Although that's really really dangerous.


Canny Hove Councilfucks!

They cancelled the Pagan Festival too (something to do with Clock Burning) cos of the pavements. I smell Christian Conspiracy.

Either that or the bins need taking out.


Aaaaanyway. Thanks for all those podcasts and things you left in the comments the other day. They kept me company last night when I sat up till 5:30am in this freezing icebox of a flat building a website with nothing but PURE HTML, like people used to do in the late nineties. I had to stop at 5:30 though, my brain was starting to go all crystally and my eyeballs were twitching like fieldmices in a badgers set. That shit is hard work. I got it finished though, and I was very proud of my work. There's something deeply satisfying about making a beautiful digital information bomb out of nothing but words. Well, words and >>>>s and <<<<s. And ////s.

So today, I heard that Big Boi and Gucci Mane song. WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME ABOUT THIS?! IT IS AMAZING!

I also heard the Kurrupt/DJ Quik LP, which is similarly AMAZING.

I was alerted to the existence of these things by end-of-year-list-related-chatter on blogs. Well, blog. Bols blog. But this alarmed me. What else have I been missing, here in my bubble in Hackney Wick? Brother! Sister! We need to help each out here! Tell me about the things of wonder I know nothing of! Are we not friends? Is this not THE FUTURE?