Oh my days! So, I just got back from a wonderful break in Malta with my girl and her step-dad and her Mam (who you can see taking a photo above), excited as heck to show off my tan, and the UK's only in the in the midst of a bloody HEATWAVE of BIBLICAL proportions! Tarnation!

Anyway, I have returned not only to the aforementioned heatwave, but to an inbox so fearsome it makes my very blood curdle. Therefore I declare this a

CAPTION CONTEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and hand the floor over to you. As usual, leave your hilarious/sad/mental/weird captions in the comments section. A minor celebrity shall assist with the judging and the prize. GO GO GO!