Giants Were Real

Look at that giant phone! How weird is that? Me and BJ spotted it on the way back from the gym last night (Blonde Jeremy has joined Jeres and I in our Hackney Council gym memberships, so I now have two gym buddies). Well, BJ spotted it. I couldn't spot a pair of tits in a brothel. I lollop around like a 1920s cartoon animal with music playing in my head, "fa la la la la la!" I hardly notice anything physical. So I walked straight past this, ("fa la la la la la!") and I had a comically delayed reaction to BJ's frenzied cries of, "woah! Look at that! A fucking giant phone!" In fact, when I actually gazed upon the thing, it took a few moments to realise what it was.

A giant phone.


A giant's phone.

I was reminded of the following photo:

A beautiful bit of photoshopping, certainly. But one that serves as a distraction and a red herring, for doubt not do I that giants once roamed this earth. I do not doubt that for a second. We have plenty of evidence.

I don't doubt lots of things that some people would consider crazy though. I have never once in my life doubted the existence of life on other planets, for example. To think otherwise always struck me as preposterously arrogant. As for us, I am of the opinion that humans have existed on this planet for well over a million years, that great civilisations have come and gone and come again. And will again. Evidence is all around us. I see time cyclical, fuck your 3D (RIP Ninjavideo, fuck your TV). When I talk about sitting on the 50 pees in Bangor seeing "everything that ever was all at once" on Pissing On The Roof, I am referring to an actual thing that happened. The fifty pees were what we called the benches outside Woolies (because they were shaped like 50 pence pieces), and once, when I was 13 or so, I was sat on one of these 50 pees, munching on some stolen confectionery or other (it would have been some Fruit Pastilles or a Crunchie, because that's what I used to nick from Woolies every day after school, like clockwork), and all of a sudden the air around thickened and went went SWOOOOSH, and I could suddenly see everything that had ever been in my immediate vicinity, and ever would be - every building, every structure, every vehicle, every animal every person... the people looked like tagliatelle, coiling up the high street as far as the eye could see. I don't know how long it lasted, or how it stopped. A decade later I read Grant Morrison's The Invisibles, and right at the end he described something very similar (like "worms", he had it), and I was stunned. Kurt Vonnegut once wrote about moments in time being like a big pile of polaroids that a man, if he so wished, could traverse as easily as rifling through a sock drawer - easier, in fact, if he was disciplined.

I am not disciplined, but I would like to be, one day. I am definitely getting better at certain practices. I notice synchronicities every other hour or so these days (GM says the first step in becoming a magician is noting such synchronicities, while Malcolm X used to say they were signs that he was "walking with Allah). I intuit things before they happen a lot more. If you're going to ring me, chances are I'm going to ring you. At the same time. For a man whose head is buried in technology 14 hours a day I am not doing so badly. I suspect not having a television plays a large part in this. I thank my Lucky Stars every day.

I say, "thank you, lucky stars!"

My Lucky Stars beam, approvingly.

But I do look forward to the point when I can unplug myself from the machine, if only for a few years. Who knows? Maybe once I'm out I won't want to go back. I heard a man on a radio show the other night talking about about a peasant woman he used to see every day standing in a field. "What are you doing?" he asked her. "Talking with my husband," she explained. "He works many many miles away".

One day telephone boxes were installed, and the man saw the woman using one. "Why are you using that telephone?" he asked, "I thought you communicated telepathically?"

The woman replied, "oh, this is much easier."

Ho ho ho, eh? Anyway. I must get back to my Great Works (right now, amongst many other things, I am trying to find a radio plugger. Do you know one? I need one). But, as ever, I would be very interested to hear your thoughts on these matters in the comments...