From Penmon To The Heart Of Hackney Gangland...

Well, I still have 765 unread, but email blasting is going OK, thanks for asking. Amidst the mountains of dead bodies there are a few gasping survivors with useful stories to tell. I just found an email from my brother sent a few weeks ago regarding my inclusion in Penmon's Wikipedia entry as its only noteable resident! I knew nothing of this, and it was a welcome surprise, until I read it, anyway:

Notable residents

  • Akira The Don, independent Pop and Hip-Hop musician, lived in the village for some time in his youth[44] and blames the "bleak and depressing" nature of the landscape for making him "a moodly little bugger".[sic][45]

I was all like, what? I don't remember saying that! Mind  you, it is close enough to the truth. Whilst beautiful, and interesting, and rammed with massive hills to roller-skate down and abandoned quarries to explore, Penmon could indeed be most bleak and depressing, especially since I was 14 or whatever, and had to walk 40 minutes to use a bloody phonebox and call my girlfriend, since my old man insisted on picking up the phone while I was on it and cackling like Zelda from Terrahawks. Anyway, point 44 up there reffers to a post from this very website, entitled "A Fucking Fruesli Bar!" in which I wrote:

I had a great holiday in Gogledd Cymru thanks. It was sunny and everything! Did lots of walking. Hardly touched the internets. Saw my Nan. Went to a beach. Bought ancient 19th century books with ill illustrations in them. Had a cake. Went past my old houses in Nantlle, Beaumaris AND Penmon. Nantlle was best. Fucking awesome place. Penmon is bleak and depressing. No wonder I was such a moodly little bugger.

Ah, yes. I remember now. That was the time my girl took me back to the old country for my Born Day. We went to Penmon on a grey, windy day, and she got well depressed by the place, refusing to get out of the car, as I recall. We also went to see Iron Man in Llandudno. Iron Man 2's out soon, right? Let's do it again! And every time an Iron Man movie is released forever! Yes!

Rah though, surely there's another noteable former Penmon resident in the world? Didn't some crappy novelist or poet live there once or something?

Ah, Penmon - a place considered so insignificant by Google its name isn't on their map, no matter HOW far you zoom in. Even Llangoed's on there, but no Penmon! Speaking of which, I lived in Llangoed too - I went to a primary school there, and climbed many tall trees, but no mention of that on Llangoed's woeful Wikipedia page. I might have to write a song about that time I picked up a condom in the playground thinking it was a balloon, then everyone decided I'd got AIDS. Happy days!

Anyway, speaking, as we were, of Google Maps, the same email correspondence linked me to a Google Map of Hackney's gangland! Check it out:

Now, me and my little brother Ali both live in the borough of Hackney, and neither of us had any idea we were walking through GTA-styled GANGLAND on the way to flipping Tescos. I also had no idea that My Favourite Place I Ever Lived In In London, De Beauvoir Town, was run by the De Beauvoir Man Dem! Woah! I never saw any Man Dem when I lived there! Just drunk Turks and old ladies!

Maybe The De Beauvoir Man Dem ARE a gang of Drunk Turks and Old Ladies. Why not?

What I wanna know is how Google knows all this stuff, and if anyone out there wants to join a gang with ME, just so we can get on Google Maps Gangs Directory. All we need is a dope name and a snazzy colour. I say we choose the colour RED, as in PROPER RED, not the crappy translucent washed out red The Stamford Hill Pirus are using. Yeah I said it! Your red is translucent and washed out! Whatcha gonna do now, eh?

That's what I thought.

Oh yeah, and for those of you that are keeping count, here's the latest progress on Ali's hunt for a Best Man:

It's a fix!