Fear And Loathing In Dubai

Awesome photo by Charlotte Whewell

Hey you guuuuuys!

So, you know how I've been moaning for ages about how crap my keyboard and mouse are, and how clicking the left mouse button requires the strength of ten men and using the thing all day every day is crippling me, and how my keyboard is so loud it gives my long suffering but resiliently hot female companion migraines, and how getting it to communicate with you every day requires such force it sends shockwaves through my whole skeleton that reverberate for the following 8 hours at LEAST and give me crazy nightmares? Yeah?

Well.

I totally bought myself a new keyboard and mouse!

BOOYA!

Know what else?

They are wireless!

BLAMMO! IN YOUR FACE CRAPPY OLD KEYBOARD AND MOUSE! IN THE BIN WITH YOU! YOU ARE REPLACED! AHAHAHAHAHA! FIE!

Rah though. While typing on this new thing is a comparative JOY, I am a little confused as to why something that is WIRELESS is so prohibitively HEAVY - the keyboard is like a slab of GRANITE, and I practically have to DRAG the nouse around my DESK. It is RIDICULOUS, but it is an improvement regardless. So, yes.

WOO HOO!

Rah though. It is announcement time.

WE HAVE A WINNER! A WINNER OF OUR FUCK YEAH DE BURGH COMPETITION!

ARE YOU READY?

AAAARE YOUUUU REEEEADY?

POW!

Clear cut, in our judges' opinion, was that victory. Congratulations Johnny! Not only was your winning entry REALLY FUNNY, it has also set in a motion a whole goddamn MOVIE in our minds, sort of like James Bond meets Lost Highway, in which the valiant de Burgh has his life stolen from him by an evil clone, who commits a series of increasingly terrible atrocities in his good name. Anyone got the number for Hollywood? IT IS A SMASH I TELL YOU! Obviously, Johnny, you forgo all rights to any ownership of what is now MY awesome idea by accepting your awesome prize.

Here is your awesome prize, which will be winging it's way to you just as soon as you email me your address:

Congratulations then, Johnny. I think you'll find that much greater reward than the BEEELIONS of dollars I am going to make flogging your amazing idea to those idiots in Hollywood. BWA HA HA HA HA!

Ahem.

Ew.

That was weird.

I don't know what came over me there brothers and sisters. For a moment back there, I believe I must have been POSSESSED by the evil spirit of De Burgh's Dastardly Double! Crap! What have I done? Gentle reader! Save yourself before it is too late! DON'T LOOK INTO HIS EYES!

Yes. Now, let's hammer out this story together, and share in the spoils and the glory. THE GLOOOOOOOOOOORY! So, we have Good de Burgh, who is a lovely man, then his EVIL TWIN SHOWS UP, and, let's say, shoots him with a  ray gun and locks him in a cage in a dirty basement wearing nothing but a nappy. WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?