Chattery

"Israel's war upon Lebanon would be a disproportionate response if Israel were actually responding to the kidnapping of two of its soldiers. It isn't, of course. (If it were, we may have seen a limited cross-border incursion that resembled a rescue mission, rather than these blunt-force deep attacks on Lebanese infrastructure.) Rather the war, like most wars of aggression, is a response to the pathological necessities of the aggressor's ideology." Jeff Wells

Israel: Dear Evil terrorists Hamas and Hezbollah. Don't hit civilian targets or we will fuck you up and so will God.

Hezbollah: Dear masterful Israel, fair and balanced recipient of 89% of USA's international aid moneys. Right you are. That would be totally lame. We shall make out sneaky way to your military bases and kidnap some of your soldiers. This is because you have nicked a great deal of our womens and childrens and we want them back, if you don't mind.

Israel: WE WARNED YOU! Fine. We shall bomb the fuck out of your airports while planes are taking off. We will bomb fuck out of your ladies and your babies. We do this because we can. Plus God says it's righteous as fuck. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

UK: Alas! Those filthy ragheads and their unjustified grievances!

USA: Israel has a right to protect itself against soldier nickers with loads of bombs!

Lebanon: Ow! Stop it!

Israel: WE WARNED YOU! STOP CRYING! All we did was bomb fuck out of your shiny new airport and your TV station (and sixty odd of your nasty civilians). Shut your piehole!

USA: Oh the horror! Iran did it. Iran wants to put Jews in fires! We must kill them before they use their huge armoury of nukes against us and God!

Lebanon: OW! OW! OW!

Israel: Palestine! You filthy swineherdists! You're hiding one of my stolen soldiers in one of your houses! At ye!

Palestine: I never! I haven't got a house! You blew it up!

Israel: BOOM BOOM BOOM!

UK: Stupid filthy ragheads and their unjustified grievances! Hug a hoodie! A tenner for this knighthood! Jolly ho whatnot!

Palestine: Ow! I throw bricks at you! Forsooth! Ow ow!

Israel: BOOM BOOM POW!

Greece: Calm down!

USA: Shut your cockhole gaylord!

Israel: Syria! You fuck! This is all your fault! We warned you! At ye!

Syria: Eh?

Iran: You touch Syria you touch me! And you touch my Nan! And my cousin! I do not like to be touched. And neither does my Nan! OR MY COUSIN! At ye!

Israel: BOOM BOOM BOOM!

IRAN: BOOM BOOM BOOM!

Lebanon: BOOM BOOM BOOM!

USA: BOOM BOOM BOOM!

UK: Gosh, nukes are way cool. Lets get new ones.

USA: Yes they are! But nobody is allowed them apart from me and UK and Israel.

UK: Yes that is true. Ragheads cannot be trusted.

Israel: BOOM! BOOM! BRAKKA BRAKKA!

USA: Let us rumble! BOOM BOOM BOOM!

Lebanon:

UK: Pop! Pop! BOOM! AHAHAHA! POP!

IRAN: BOOM BOOM DURKA DURKA BRAKKA BRAKKA! POP!

USA: Soudi Arabia! This is your fault for something you did one time!

Saudi Arabia: Wot? But we're your MATES! And if you throw booms at me I'll take that cash I lent you back and your entire monetary system will COLLAPSE!

USA: Sweet! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

ISRAEL: BOOM BOOM BOOM!

UK: BOOM BOOM tally ho BOOM!

Saudi Arabia: BOOM BOOM BOOM!

etc.

I think China and Russia and France and Rod Hull and EeYou said something, I was distracted by Big Brother. A LADY HAS HER TITS OUT! I HAVE NEVER SEEN A TIT IN MY LIFE! ARGH! I MIGHT COMBUST!

Oh, that thing up there that looks like that weird old badge that Hitler and Krispian Mills wore?

That's a US naval barracks in San Diego. Pretty fucking funny huh! Yessiree!

I went to see a screening of My Super Ex-Girlfriend today. My next single - Oh! (What A Glorious Thing) - is the soundtrack of the climax! Yes it is! That's how cool I am! Luke Wilson and Uma Thurman and Eddie Izzard and Anna Farris (who is BOETH) have a big orgy to it. Kinda. Anyway, it is way cool and I am very pleased and we are making a video with a bunch of the footage.

Wales tomorrow. SAFETY IN NUMBERS KIDS!