Holly and three of her friends are here to watch the MTV Awards. Kanye West just shouted, "say WE WANT FREEDOM!"

And the crowd shouted, "WE WANT FREEDOM!"

As the roar peaked, the space was illuminated as an explosion of cash tore the pink air asunder.

And I was blown back into my chair, as if by cannonball, and was filled with a deep and powerful dread, and awe.

We are watching the MTV Awards. It's fucking, nuts, people. NO WAY! Dane Cook is telling a terrible peedo joke and Johnny Knoxville was shown in the crowd comforting a visibly distraught six year old girl. WOW.

UGH! Those rotten Killers just won something! The mormon is gurning with grotesque glee and saying they have made history! Bishop Magic Mong is on! Ugh! Rotters!

Mariah Carey is freaking us out because you never get to see the left side of her face. SERIOUS! EVER! It is weird. At least Beavis And Butt Head are sort of funny.

So, they cut Shakira's nose off. It is sad. I still love you baby, but I miss your nose, it was an ace nose.

You know what the best thing I've seen tonight is? An advert for a Hummer, with a big robot and a big dinosaur mashing up a city then falling in love to beautiful music. It said so much.

Everybody's like, "oh my God, 50 is so gay."

"Fag wifebeater," shouted one of the ladies.

I like his belt buckle, personally. Anyway, My Chemical Romance are gayer. That porky singer looks like Adam West in Michael Keaton's batsuit. Cradle Of Filth must be livid. This is shocking.

And Puffy won't shut up about his friends in high places. And Bow Wow and Paris Hilton are bickering about who's jewelry is the most expensive. He is a handsome lad, but his bragging about wearing $200,000 around his neack is ugly. This - is aspiration.

And no one, not even Green Day, has taken the opportunity to say anything about Iraq, Iran, Guantanamo, actually, anything of use to anybody. Apart from Jacob The Jeweler, he's got more airtime than Pepsi, and they're sponsoring it.

"If we can make it," says one of Destiny's Child, "any of you can make it." Green Day are thanking Warner Brothers. And they mention Iraq. "Let's bring our troops home safely."

And then.

They big up Live 8.


"What's live 8?" asks one of Holly's peoples.

Well, quite.

Hey! Puffy's wearing a "God is the greatest" T Shirt!