AKIRA THE DON'S PROMETHEUS REVIEW. SPOILERS! RAGE! STUPID! MORE SPOILERS!

http://youtu.be/velBSh2Oew4 Ah, Prometheus. Over two years I've been geeking the fuck out over the prospect of this film. I have never in my life before been so exited about an upcoming ART RELEASE... literally years of staying up untill it got light reading message boards. Adjusting the lighting levels on leaked photos to better see the detail. I wrote a song called I Can't Wait For Prometheus that I left off ATD28 for fear of jinxing it. I've had Prometheus imagery on my computer desktop since last year. Here's a photo of me by the massive cardboard poster that appeared in my local cinema a few months back. I WAS SO HAPPY!

I even dreamt I saw the movie a number of times. And the dreams were amazing...

...finally, on Friday afternoon, I saw it.

Above is my 20 minute long reaction, captured for posterity.

Bear in mind it is PURE SPOILERDOM!

The short version, if you can't be arsed to watch the thing, is thus:

The first hour is amazing. Beautiful, poetic, homerian. Michael Fassbender's David, an android seen wandering the ship alone for two years learning a myriad of languages and obsessing over Lawrence Of Arabia while the Prometheus' crew are in hypersleep is a joy to behold. There's enough old Giger paintings bought to life to keep a Giger geek (hi me!) hopping up and down on his seat and spilling his popcorn for a god half hour or so. References to the Alien movies that came before and other classic sci-fi abound. The 2001 pretensions/tributes are plentiful, from the aforementioned android's voice, to the opening planet shot, right down to the location of the majority of the film (2001, as you may recall, was supposed to be set on one of Saturn's moons, but Kubrick's crew gad trouble realistically rendering the rings. The Prometheus lands on the moon of a ringed, Saturnian planet).

Tragically, the rest is a ridiculous, shlocky, dumb, anticlimactic, nonsensical MESS. There comes a point when watching the movie that one realises, shit, all that stuff, that stuff was leading to nothing. That guy that got infected - he's dead, pointlessly. The other guy that got infected - he's dead, pointlessly. Those alien creatures we saw briefly - they're not coming back. We have no idea what or why they were. They just were (and don't get me started on the whole biologist playing cootchie cootchie coo with an alien python thing, that was beyond retarded). A multi-billion dollar once in a lifetime mission and its manned by a raggle taggle crew of unloveable lames who say completely insane things like, "no we don't need weapons going into this alien cave that's definitely had intelligent life in it because this is a scientific mission," with constantly shifting motivations that are 99% wiped out by the end, and one careth not one fucking iota. The only character I gave a shit about was Idris Elba and his terrible Texas accent, and that was only because he was mildly amusing on occasion. Everyone else was just dumb and annoying.

Speaking of dumb and annoying, what was the point of having Guy Pearce in old person make up as Peter Weyland? Why not get an actual old person? Have they been booted out of the actor's union or something? All that happens when you get a youngish guy in old person make up in a movie for any length of time is the viewer is thinking, damn, old person make up still isn't much better than it was in 1963 is it? That neck really is not saggy enough. And that eyebrow looks like it's coming off. Etc. And as for the guy's motivation, you're telling me the head of the the biggest company on Earth in an age where companies rule the Earth is gonna go into space with that pathetic fistful of useless idiots thinking he's gonna meet the architects of mankind and they're just gonna straight up give his wrinkly ole ass the secret of eternal life? And Charlize Theron - his resentful asshole not-really-an-android-just-acts-that-way-cos-of-a-lack-of-paternal-give-a-fuck daughter - is just along for the fuck of it? And David the android played human petri dish with that pair of idiot scientists of his own crazy robot accord, and not because his "father" told him to as it initially appeared?

Alongside all this stupid, we have a whole bunch of heavy handed Atheist and Christian appeasement going on - the  former via the opening scene, in which the "engineers" seed the earth's oceans with the material that willc reate life that will then proceed in the beloved Drawinian fashion, and the latter by the film's heroine and shit Ripley replacement (let's call her "Shitley") and her constant moidering about her crucifix and her faith and how discovering that aliens created us in no way contradicts the bible and Christianity in general because, "who created them?"

As for the final moments, which Ridley Scott promised us would link prometheus directly to the original Alien, we do, as rumoured, get the chest-busting out of the Space Jockey (sorry, "engineer") scene we've been imagining since the first film. And it's really, really stupid, and not even an iota as effective as that first one from the bloody seventies. For reasons unexplained, the resulting Xenomorph strides forth from its host carcass (that's lying on the floor and not sat in a big chair with a telescope) immediately fully formed, glistening black and goliath, flexing its slobbering jaws in the fresh air, tossing back a shiny and inexplicably pointy head like something from a shampoo advert.

The fuck? OK, so we get its a different planet and not the same space jockey from the first film by this point. But why does the alien have a pointy head as opposed ot the usual bell end? They're supposed ot take their host's characteristics, right, and these "engineers" look exactly like us buy bigger and a bit blue and Voldemort. So why the pointy head? And why black and not pink and fully formed and pretty much the size of the host's torso? And now we're thinking about that, what were the python facehugger things from earlier? What had they grown out of? And why wasn't that Christian scientist woman even slightly freaked out that she'd just given birth to a squid? She didn't even tell anyone! And why's she going to the fucking Voldemort home planet? What's she expecting to happen with a planet full of them, having just seen  single one kill everyone that was left from her stupid "scientific mission"? ARGH TOO MUCH STUPID MY FACE IS MELTING!

And with that, it is over.

My sweet blue alien creator, you could have scooped out the disappointment that hung in the air in that cinema and filled the empty popcorn boxes with it. You could have put it in socks and swung them round your head and given people black eyes with them. Disappointment like comes rarely to a man's life. It's like when you're little and you find out your parents have lying to you about the red fat man from the North Pole. Like when you realise that no matter who you vote for the government still get in. Disappointment so crushing you could use it to turn trucks into little metal cubes.

Aside from myself and my stupid expectations of a decent movie (ha!), I am blaming that Damon Lindelof character. Screw him with  the Space Jockey rocket telescope (that was also not explained). He's officially on my shitlist, with Zack Snyder.

#PAIN.

PS - Just realised I started this with "The short version, if you can't be arsed to watch the thing, is thus..."

Ha!

http://youtu.be/wJlHSFwYEPs