A Pair Of Emails

I got lots of nice emails when I was in jail hospital. Like this one: Dude,

Akira if you need a kidney I'll give you one. I'm serious.

Your Friend, Sleek Mouse

Which is good to know. My old man came to visit me the other day and he said he cried when he read all the nice messages you'd left me. He said when he was young all he wanted out of life was for someone to miss him when he went. Well, I'll miss him. He is a funny old sod and no mistake. Jeres will miss him too. So he's doing better than Lonely Blair already. Nobody misses him.

I got some perplexing messages too. Like this one: how's it goin' akira? I need some advice. What should I do? I have a girlfriend here in oregon and I'm going back to tennesee in a week. I don't feel as though I want to be with her anymore but I don't want to hurt her feelings. What should I do?

Robert 16 SPRING HILL, TENNESSEE

Like, who am I, Mystic Meg? Dear Deidre? Simon Cowel? I am not, obviously. I am also not fully recovered, so my mental faculties may not be blasting at full velocity. But still. What I think, Robert, after all my years of foolishness, is that the worst thing a boy can do to a girl is deceive her. And the best thing a boy can do for a girl is be be real with her. Anyway, my American geography is bad, but I suspect Oregon is far enough from Tennessee to make a relationship difficult, even if you were really bothered. So say goodbye, in a nice way - talk of the things you've experienced and learnt together, thank her for the good times, and wish her well. Then ride off into the sunset on a white horse with a blood red cloak draped over your shoulders, whistling that Andrew WK song about not going to bed.

Alternately, lie, tell her you're moving to Spain to live with your sick father, and borrow her credit card to buy Smiths albums and chicken, which is what I did when I was your age. The adverse karma, however, is still fucking with me. So maybe don't bother.

So! Did you see that Amish inspired video for Kanye's brillaint 'Can't Tell Me Nothing'? it's got Will Oldham in it. On a tractor. I think it's beautiful. Speaking ow which, Wes Anderson's got a new joint on the way called The Darjeeling Limited. Trailer here. RAH!

Oh, look down the bottom left of the page, and you'll notice the announcement of three gigs.

Over and out.