So if you’ve ever been down Hollywood Boulevard you’ll have come across these dudes who’re always like, “YO YOU LIKE HIP HOP? COP MY MIXTAPE FAM!” Or, “WHERE YOU FROM? UH HUH? CHECK MY MUSIC MAN REAL SHIT FROM THE STREETS!!” Reasonable responses like, “I don’t have CD player,” or “no thank you,” tend to be met with aggression and cries of “SUPPORT MUSIC FAM!” or “YOU RACIST THEN!”
Anyway I accidentally stumbled on what appears to be a foolproof method to having them Leave You The Fuck ALone today, and I am gonna share it with you, cos I am all about lifting my brothers and sisters UP.
So I was walking back from the gym with Hercules, wearing a sweat sodden purple bandana, both of us sipping on smoothies, cos we some Smoothie Boys. Anyway, a gang of Mixtape Dudes jumped off a bus, robed in giant white T-Shirt, each carrying stckas of freshly assambled CDRs. I could see one of those out the corner of my eye about to attack me, but just as he was about to hit me with the Speech, one of his homies grabbed him by the shoulder. “Nah mane he got a purple rag on,” he said, gesturing at my head. “He from round here.” They both nodded at me. “I see you with the purple rag my G!” said out one. “And she cute as hell!” added his friend, gesturing at Hercules, who is uncommonly beautiful and often mistaken for a girl. Then they shot off and jumped on some unsuspecting tourists. “Where you from homie?” “Ur, Manchester.” “MAAAANchester! You need to hear my shit mane! Real LA shit! This all me!”
Their voices faded into the distance as Hercules and walked across the Boulevard to the apartment, the realization of my new superpowers dawning on me, illuminating my very core with a bright light of joy and wonder.
WEAR A PURPLE BANDANA AND BE LEFT ALONE BY LA MIXTAPE DUDES! MAJOR #DONTIP!
In other news, something I’ve been dreading my whole Father Life happened earlier. I shut Hercules finger in a door. It didn’t bleed or break or anything, but you should have seen his face. He was aghast and awash with sorrow. How could his father do such a thing?
Life is so bittersweet.