First off, we all knew it was happening, but now we got proof - the CIA have been altering people’s Wikipedia entries. Hoooooooooooooooooo!

Basically, some clever fucker called Virgil Griffith has sussed out some clevergeek code shit, and we can now see who edited what on Wikipedia. Which is great. You could never see who edited what in, say The Encyclopedia Britannica. Don’t mean they never. No sir.

Anyway!

As I was saying. The CIA have been caught messing with the Iranian president’s page and Hugo Chavez’s amongst others. The Vatican have been messing with Gerry Adams’ page and “massaged” entries on several Catholic Saints. Someone from a Israeli Government IP Address deleted the entire Wiki entry on the Segregation Wall in the West Bank, and switched it with a paranoid rant against the International Court of Justice’s Ruling Regarding the Wall. The Israeli Embassy have been disappearing dead Palestinians. The list goes on!

Whatever figga. Pay attention. That’s all.

So.

Marvel Comics, the fools, don’t have the balls to publish Peter Bagge’s “The Incorrigible Hulk” (see above). What dicks! Look how ill that thing looks! Check a page from it here. Sample quote “slutty girl not afraid of Hulk?” HAHAHAHA!

So, I have fully failed to bring you another letters column since March, which has left me with hundreds of unanswered letters in a folder called “letters”. Kinda sucks. So, what i am going to do, right now, is answer three that just came in. Here. Now. Ya diiig?

Hey
I’m pissed. my 17 yr. old sister attacked me because I needed a phone number from her phone. can you give me advice on how to handle my douchebox sibling?
p.s. I hope you tour in Tennessee sooner or later. it’s hell to have only country music up in here…

Piemaster, 14
SPRING HILL, Tennessee

Hey Piemaster. Neat new name. Sorry to hear about your troubles. Are we talking physical attack here, or mental? And how did you go about trying to get the number? Did you Invade Her Privacy? Never invade a woman’s privacy. They will have your BALLS, dude. Girls are hardcore. I suggest killing her with kindness. Be super smiley and nice to her. It will freak her out, and she will be giving you all the numbers in the world in no time at all.

Wow. Douchebox. Doss of the WEEK!

yo, man you check out Alex Jones?

Donovan H

Cheers Donovan! I was listening to Mister Jones this afternoon actually, for the first time in ages. I like him. He’s like Bill Hicks, if Bill Hicks wasn’t all that funny and believed in God. Terrorstorm is a very good film. Matt Bellamy likes it too, and everybody knows Matt Bellamy has good taste in documentaries.

Howdy,

Jon Barker

It was for Our Bovine Public. Or of Our Bovine Public. However you wanna say it. Dunno what’s happening with it. I did one for The Crimea too, on which I rapped in Welsh! You’ll like that. I might play them on next week’s podcast (yeah, that’s what i said).

Hey Akira!

Your Friend,
Sleek Mouse

Damn Sleek, you make a fine offer! Me and my fine-ass girl will be coming through Cali sometime sooner-than-death… maybe we’ll look you up. Anyway. Liking happy songs is pretty normal. You must be well adjusted. I applaud you. I’ve written a whole bunch of happy songs for my new album recently. Mainly because i have been feeling happy. WHOO! STUFF! RAH!

Akira you are not a Don you are a Liar when i see you I’m a spit in your face and out it on Youtube so all your lame ass fans can see what a fucking douche you are.

gloryhole473″

OK, that’s enough of YOU!

Are coming…

OK, you go listen to this sampler of 50s new album, and tell me what that bunch of South Welsh scrotes are doing at the beginning? Has 50 been bumping GLC? Am I in the middle of a very Weird dream again?

(This morning I was dreaming I was in some bar with Bashy, and we had no money, but he had really violent minature-hurricane superpowers, and kept smashing opne the bottles of spirits behind the bar. But he wouldnlt stal us a drink. he’d just spaz out every five minutes. I was thirsty an’ all.)

My internet is BACK! By the way. It is ace. I missed it. I will miss it when it goes for good. But hell. So what? Nothing lasts forever.

OR SO THEY SAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes.

From Thesvenhunter

Myths of Creation # 2

PRESS RELEASE

Ex-Goatherders keyboardist to release solo album

We can reveal that Thesvenhunter (of Pydos in Spydos, and previously of The Goatherders, A Noizy Mess Zcraped (From the gutter), and Cracked Enamel) is almost ready to release his debut solo album.

Unknown (possibly trademark-infringing) label, Dental Records, will proudly release the album on 1st December, 2007 in limited edition 32X CD-R with hp inkjet-printed covers designed by Glaswegian Formal Constructivist, Jon Prior.

“It’s been a f***ing long time coming,” slurred Thesvenhunter, when we finally managed to get through to him at 2:45 p.m. earlier today:

“Those c***s from The Goatherders have tried their best at every turn to thwart me on this one. They ran off with the first demos and had them packed into suitcases and exploded off the (World Heritage) Jurassic coast in Dorset. B******s. After all I did for them. Anyway, that’s all in the past. If you believe time is linear, which (obviously) I don’t. Sh*t.”

The forthcoming album has been hotly anticipated by the scene (whatever that is) in England, particularly in Chiswick, where there have been unconfirmed reports of stabbings in the rather presumptuous queues outside the record shops. Said queues have been made all the more presumptuous by Thesvenhunter’s insistence that the album will only be made available by order from his personal website, which he hasn’t updated for almost two years:

“Yeah, f*** all that corporate t*******. Anyone who lets a ’shop’ ’sell’ their ‘record’ is obviously a z******. Basically, I’m decapitating the middle man, and his wife and kids. And dog. This is the way forward for musicians and soon everyone will realise that I am basically like the Jesus and/or Julian Cope of my era.”

An unconfirmed track list has been revealed to us by Thesvenhunter, and it reads like this:

1) Smell memory (2007)
2) My unlucky pants
3) My magic wand
4) Camel Riders
5) Who would win out of colossal squid Vs. estuarine crocodile?
6) Better off alone
7) At least a silver rule
8) Suck the poison from my penis
9) Overdose on your sofa
10) Got to give it up
11) An honest lament / Venezuela
12) Dead babies
13) Bravo Juliette
14) Nemo
14) You went to Prague

Early reviews on leaked demos go as follows:

“These are the worst songs I’ve ever heard.”
- Paul Evans, critic.

“Has the same chords all the way through.”
- Robert Evans, musician.

“Batshit horrible.”
- Akira The Don, musician.

We have been told to expect the unexpected, and that this album will quite probably reinvent (or even misunderstand) what is currently understood to be ‘music’ and/or ‘a saleable product’. Thesvenhunter’s own manifesto for this album was:

“To create something of the upmost (sic) joy and sinceritty (sic), whilst also totally f***ing up the cistern (sic?).”

Thesvenhunter’s manager, known only as ‘The F***ing Man’ (whether this nickname is derogatory or complimentary is unclear) assures us that we will be blown away by the album, come December:

“Obviously I haven’t heard it,”

he said in a bad Scottish accent, suspiciously quickly after being called in from the next room by Thesvenhunter,

“But the little q****** has been in that room for weeks so he must have been doing something, och? Sometimes I walk past and it sounds like Dragonforce, sometimes Phil Ochs, sometimes Patrick Wolf. Unless he’s just listening to I-Tunes in there, it promises to be pretty diverse! Och!”

Inquiries should be directed to Thesvenhunter’s management at

E-mail: thesvenhunter at gmail.com

Notes to editors

Thesvenhunter is a non-profit entity despite continued efforts. Do not approach Thesvenhunter without a good excuse. Flammable. Contains nuts.

-Ends-

I might be inviting ridicule here, but Oasis were still making fucking brillaint B-Sides even when they were doing battle with Blur. Rockin’ Chair, off the back of Roll With It, is fucking ace.

The sun came back to London for one last weekend, and we were glad. Myself and some friends took it upon ourselves to play badminton in Clissold park, and I got bitten by a lot of hungry bugs. It makes me sad to be indoors sorting out my life when the sun shines, so rare a thing it is around these parts.

Anyway. We saw Prince on Friday. That was very inspiring indeed. He said it himself, and he wasn’t lying - Prince has too many hits. What a brilliant performer! What a master of melody! From Alphabet Street to Diamonds And Pearls, all awesome. He didn’t even play any new material. What a G.

I have a budget of £2.50 a day this week, which will be fun. Stupid VAT bills. Good job I quit smoking eh? Ryvita is pretty cheap.

So, Charlotte and I have two episodes of Dexter left to watch, which is both sad and exciting, as it just got brilliant, and I, for one, don’t want it to end. But I do want to see what happens. Stupid creepy doll guy. Not having a TV in the house and only watching things that cool people like Colin McCracken have given you on DVDrs or you’ve downloaded of the internet is totally awesome.

Big up all for last night, we played Cargo and we were great yes we were Mary Turner and Jeremy Allen and John Karborn and Me. Three new songs, two unrehearsed, smacked it. I like new songs. I have fucking tons. You watch.

I have a bad ass cold and a hangover today. I cycled from Shoreditch to Kentish town in the pissing rain. Wow that was some fucking experience. Boy oh boy. I was wet through. I’ve dried now. I am in a nice studio called Music Box. Part of the Moloko Empire. Mixing this song called I Am Not Dead (Yeah). I’m working with a safe Northern man called Joe. We have been discussing Bohemian Grove and Wiley. That’s what yiu do in studios, with engineers. In my experience anyway. Word to Matt Foster! Holla atcha boy!

So, Metal Hammer want me to do some writing for them. i like the idea of this. It will force me to listen to more metal records. Metal was my first love you know. I had a leather jacket with tassles on it for my tenth birthday. Or was it twelth? Anyway, my mam’ll know. That was a serious birthday present. My brothers were pissed off. The bank got broke on that thing. I wish it still fit me. I put studs in it and everything. Anyone remember HM Gear? I saved my paper round money for months to get a studded leather wristband and a choker with a skull on it. Word to Alice Cooper. POISON!

Serious.

This shirt will be going on sale next week.

Ready yourselves.

And your purses.

@!

First off, it should be noted that Akira The Don and The Women will be appearing at Cargo tomorrow night, Wednesday August 22nd. I am told we’re on at 8:50, so get your asses there in time, or you’ll miss the three new songs we’re gonna play. Also appearing are Dragonette, Dead Disco and Sportsday Megaphone.

OK, Dublin was wicked. We all had a fantastic time, especially Jeres, who wants to move there. Anyone wanna help kid make that dream come true? Shout out Colin and co - the gifts will be keeping me entertained for time. We started watching Dexter yesterday. It is very droll. All star Superman is the best Superman comic book I have ever laid eyes on. We are all looking forward to coming to play Galway in October.

So. Not too long. It is, after all, nearly September. Summer is pretty much done. I, for one, feel cheated. This has been the worst Summer in living memory. We had a few weeks of sunshine in April, and a week at the start of August. The rest has been drizzle and shit. I was glad of that one week - we picked blackberries (which don’t usually come out till September) and got tanlines. But that, it seems, is it now. Summer 2007, done with. Nice one. Cheers.

Saying that, maybe this freakishness means we’re gonna have a lovely Autumn. I live in hope. This grey makes me depressed. My VAT bill just came in, my PC has stopped working, and will need repairing… My bed is broken, the kitchen’s a mess, and they don’t sell fish in Clapton. I will start with what I can control. To the kitchen.

That beast 50 Cent’s going at the big homie Jimmy Iovine! he’s called him out on a track and everything!

“Nigga fuck Jimmy Iovine nigga!”

That’s what he said.

“I am the Gorge Bush of this shit - I’m not going to war, but I will send niggas to war.”

He said that too.

50’s pissed off cos songs (and videos) keep getting leaked from his LP. And his LP keeps getting pushed back. And they decided to release it on the same day as Kanye’s to generate some publicity. and now it looks like Kanye’s gonna sell more records, and who sells most records is the most important thing in the world to 50, not making good ones, which is why the world has heard 6 tracks from his new album and no one likes a single one of them because they are ASS, even the Justin/Timbo one that 50 only drops two verses on.

Damn homie! In 02 you was the man homie!

Saying that, once should never underestimate 50 cent. 50 Cent is a beast. He is also something of a genius popsongwritingperson when he puts his big ole brain to the task. Personally, I think he just needs a little more motivation, and getting his ass served to him on a silver platter by the Louis Vuitton Don might just be the inspiration he needs.

PS - some crackheads are trying to turn Camden Market into a shopping centre. Like we really need another superdrug! Figga please! Hit the petition hereabouts, fool. Damn!

PPS - The internet is full of angry ole rap Stans who hate children for not knowing all the words to every EPMD song ever. My favorite rap blogger Billy X Sunday was recently weeping about the super-gay 10th anniversary XXL cover (Wayne and Baby all greased up and nudey), which set off yet another argument about whether or not Lil Wayne deserves any props at all, what with him rhyming “ass” with “ass” a lot and not having had any classic LPs. To which one young man wrote:

“THA CARTER 1 was a classic. I am 15 years old and that was one of the first cds i bought. And i bought it on accident too. I was really loking for the terrorsquad cd that had that song lean back. And that was the greatest mistake i ever did.”

That post made me well up. I love that kid!

Also explains why, despite Lean Back being the biggest song of the year, nobody bought that Terror Squad album. They were all copping Tha Carter by mistake!

“If our universe functions associatively - which we might expect, if both it and our consciousness are holographic - then our dwelling upon a subject may be the equivalent of an evocation: a calling forth of information both useful and irrelevant.”
Jeff Wells

Hey yo you good good people. I write to you amidst a fug of smoke from my spot on Upper Clapton Road. I am in The Roof - top floor of the building, I look out of my window and I see the top of stoke Newington stretching out to that goshdang Gherkin that I swear is a missile that will one day take off and blow up the motherlovin’ moon.

My mattress rests on the floor, backed up by its broken bed frame. Everything in this house is falling apart. Jeres’ curtain rail came crashing down the other night, so he’s pinned up a translucent black sheet, giving his room a nice gothic air, and I ripped him off and hung my Spider-man bedspread over the window.

I just mixed the demo of a song called 18, which may or may not be the centrepiece of my second album. The first is sill out there, doing its thing - Oh! What A Glorious retirement Fund shows up on two BBC ads yesterday. Before that second album, I’m gonna hit you off with a bridge - the mixtape will contain ten remastered mixtape classics, and ten new songs, culled from the When We Were Young and LP2 sessions. Maybe some more stuff. I’m getting that together next week. There’ll be a brand new double A side single, and three new videos. Zef’s working on some Thanks For All The AIDS T-Shirts.

I saw The Simpsons movie last night. I laughed the whole way through.

My internet is behaving really oddly right now - I can only get on Gmail, Rigint and XXLmag.com for some reason. Social Networking Groups are a no no. If you have anything to say to me, do it here or by the email.

Really though, you should go read Jeff Wells.

PS - The pictures were taken the good Dr Saam Gabbay, who was in Joshua Tree watching that meteor shower. Saam knows how to go about this business called living.

Here then, the details for Saturday’s Akira The Don & The Women jaunt to Dublin.

I am excited, I have never been to Ireland.

Eurocultured Festival

Saturday 18th Augusthttp://www.eurocultured.com/

Thomas Reads@Smithfield is hosting 12 hours of free live music, dance and DJ’s as part of the Eurocultured Festival in Smithfield Plaza on Saturday 18th August.

Penfold DM (Ireland)

Tony Wilson is dead. It was a cancer that did it.

From Wikipedia:

Wilson’s doctors recommended he take the drug Sunitinib (aka Sutent), the £3,500/month cost of which was not funded by the Manchester Primary Care Trust. He was turned down by the NHS, while patients being treated alongside him at the Christie Hospital and living just a few miles away in Cheshire are receiving funding for the therapy.

I was always very impressed by Anthony Wilson. He did what he thought was the right thing to do, regardless of whatever everybody else though he should be doing, which was usually something else. I was gutted I didn’t get to meet him when we played The Tube that time. He was supposed to be presenting the show, but he was ill. Now I never will. Ah vey. he was ace, regardless.

Hello folks. We are off to play a festival in Gloucestershire now. Maybe we’ll see you later. It is super sunny!

@!

Sunday July 15th.

I sleep through Sunday morning. It is great. it is the most sleep I’ve had in a week. I realise all my dreams in hospital have involved my being ostracized from various communities and bullied. Hospital is rubbish.

I am surprised at lunchtime to hear one of the short chubby Jamaican nurses tell another short chubby Jamaican nurse that I have pneumonia. I had no idea. I thought I had a kidney infection.

The day is dull. My neighbours snore. I am wet. Always, I am wet. Hot and wet. Cold and wet.

On Sunday evening my enjoyment of the Porridge movie is ruined by my drip machine going into some spastic frenzy of beeping fifteen minutes before the end. Short chubby Jamaican nurses fail to come to my aid. I am pissed ff.

At ten o clock my boredom is temporarily alleviated by the arrival of a new recruit - an affable, blonde Jewish gentleman of middling age, who looks about to pass out. The nurses are pissed off as “we have no drip stands.” I have a drip stand. My bag of saline wetness and my bag of yellow liquid drugs hang from it, flexing gently, filling me with juice via tubes into my arm. I am lucky. No such luck for the jew. he moans, mournfully - “Ooooh! Mooooh!” It is an odd sound. Like sleepy, weak old people playing tennis. Like an old dying cow.

I watch half of Hero, but it bores me. Hero is like a bad car advert or something. Load of nonsense. TV sucks balls.

Monday July 16th

I am woken early by doctornurses. i am freezing cold and drenched with sweat again. The jewish blonde kept me up all night doing his old people playing tennis routine - “Uh! Muh! Ooooh! Mooooh!” He also spent a lot of time kicking the metal chest of drawers next to his bed. But he is silent now. He only makes these silly noises when he is awake. I hope he never wakes up, then I feel bad.

Nobody will change my wet sheets. By 8:30 my neighbour is awake, and making noises like a wounded boar. I wish speedy death on him. He goes to the bathroom, where he makes terrifying noises. He roars with indignity. I feel sorry for him again. “Oooooargh!” he cries “Moooooh!”

I have been reading Cat’s Cradle all morning. I am considering becoming a Bokononist. I like this bit:

Tiger got to hunt
Bird got to fly
Man got to sit and wonder - why, why, why?

Tiger got to sleep
Bird got to land
Man got to tell himself he understand.

At 9 am, the jewish blonde makes an announcement.

“I am sorry to bother you in the night gentlemen.”

I feel guilty for wishing death on him.

The very tall pink man with black features, who’d just been complaining about his ruin-ed sleep, accepts the appology on our behalf.

“Shalom,” he says and sticks an oar sized thumb up.

The blonde jewish gentleman goes back to his protestations.

“Ooooh! oooooh!”

The huge pink man with black features has the biggest family you have ever seen, they are like the contents of an East end pub on a Friday. They talk to me sometimes.They like my glasses.

I have become known as “Buddy”

I’m never alone
I’m alone all the time
Are you at one
Or do you lie
We live in a wheel
Where everyone steals
But when we rise it’s like strawberry fields

Probably.

A reader writes

“Dear Adam (akira is a stupid name). I used to read your blog every morning with my cornflakes before i went to work, before I read the paper, before i spoke to anyone. It set me up for the day. It informed my life. But you changed, somwhere over the past six months. Why don’t you write about politics anymore? I thought you were really getting somewhere… it was like if Hunter was born in the eighties. I know you sometimes still do, but not much, you’ve hardly said anything about Gordon Brown for instance. Why not? Dont you care anymore?

Anakin”

I have had a lot of letters like this, for the past however long, and I wasn’t quite sure how to answer for a while. I do care. I care a lot. Just like Faith No More But. I care for we people, and our future - not so much for the pantomime our so-called leaders put on. That bores me now. Anyway, I was just reading this Grant Morrison interview, and he put it it very succinctly, so I’ll copy paste that for you and co-sign it:

“Politics, in the sense of party antics and showbiz elections, is just misdirection and bullshit to divert our attention from the real work of the world, which is all done by very rich people we don’t get to see much of. Once you’ve watched a couple of governments do their pathetic dance and come and go, you’ve really seen it all. The same kinds of people do exactly the same kinds of things and continually try to keep us interested in their daft, unconvincing shtick. I lost interest once I realised how boring, repetitive and stage managed the whole circus is, with even a new Bush cropping up every generation. All I want my elected officials to do is make the trains run on time and stop spending my tax money on useless weapons of war, so I’m already screwed.”

“I wasn’t driving. The black kid was driving.”
Lyndsey Lohan

First up! Today’s Hackney Gazette headlines:

Raid On Hotel Crack Den!
Man Found Hanging In Graveyard!

The Hackney Gazette - Hating on Hackney est. fucking ages!

OK. Eminem - well, Eminem’s publishers - are suing Apple for flogging his music on iTunes. Basically, it stems down to this argument that just because record companies have the rights to sell records, doesn’t mean they have the right to sell MP3s. “Apple pays about 70 cents of their 99-cent download fee to the artist’s record label,” reports XXL, “which, in turn, pays about 9.1 cents to the music publisher… the problem lies in how the remaining 60.9 cents is distributed. Since digital downloads are typically treated as sales, the artist is only entitled to a royalty, which is a small percentage of that amount. If the transactions were treated as licensing agreements, the artist would receive a larger amount.”

You get that, kids? The record company pockets 60 cents out of a dollar! It’s not like they even pay promo or anything out of that. The artists pays for that shit. And these greedy fucks wonder why their industry is collapsing around them! I have said it many times, but musicians just don’t make money out of selling records, and this is why. that’s why the Wu have to tour.

Speaking of which, Billy X Sunday caught the aforementioned’s set at Rock The Bells in NYC on the weekend (word to Blood Red), and wrote an interesting blog for XXL about how it’s only really white kids at these shows.

“Black folks,” wrote he, “y’all need to step up your Hip-Hop love. Have a park jam or something where the deejay pulls power from a streetlamp. Walk around with a big ass piece of cardboard and just put it down and breakdance. Go steal a can of Krylon and cop some tags somewhere, but just become Hip-Hop again.”

To which one of the fruitflies in the comments section replied:

“LOL!

I wanna bring it back to the old dayz in my neighborhood, but now we have certaint CHARGES to worry about like…UNLAWFUL BLOCK PARTY and them PIGS runnin up and saying you and your friends are a gang and have to dispurse from where u are ( thanks to a new NY State LAW stating a group of 3 or more, dressing alike and or enganging in the same activities is a gang).. Now I don’t know about yall hoods but in mine in upstate, NY bieng black and loving yourself and culture is a CRIME, and displaying any form of that.. (Even battle rapping in the park)..will get u ran up on and probally searched and ya name ran for the night!!! so yeah i think downloads and bootlegs are the future in my neighboorhood… SORRY TO SAY!!! ”

You get that? Hip-hop couldn’t happen now. Think on that a little while, then get into …

AK’s World of Weird!

UFOs in Wrexham!
“I ran inside and got my camcorder. I thought they could be helicopters but when I zoomed in I was scared to death. They were glowing red in the middle. I’m a very logical person. We are not into the paranormal at all. I thought people would think we were barmy if we said we saw UFOs.”

UFOs in Stratford!
“A crowd of 100 stunned stargazers brought a town centre to a standstill when five mysterious UFOs were spotted hovering in the sky.”

Arab Fragging Robots With Guns! (Skygod help us)
“Here’s a video of Lockheed Martin’s MULE advanced robotic vehicle in action, complete with Joes and baddies shooting at each other while the MULE fires its machine gun, gives away free rockets to an enemy tank and pinpoints targets for ballistic missiles.”

Remote Control Jets Off To Bomb Iraq!
“The Reaper is loaded, but there is no one on board. Its pilot, as it bombs targets in Iraq, will sit at a video console 7,000 miles away in Nevada.”

Pentagon developing robots with conscience! (Yeah right!)
“There are two types of robot warriors: robots as extensions of human soldiers, in which human operators make all decisions relating to the use of deadly force, and the autonomous robot, which would make its own decisions on the same, based on programmed ethical principles.”

We came from space like SUPERMAN! Possibly.
“About 25 years ago, two British astronomers, Fred Hoyle and Chandra Wickramsinghe, proposed that comets might be the Johnny Appleseeds of life, carrying vital spores from star system to star system, an idea that is known today as panspermia.”

There we have it!