Today we offer you a comprehensive guide to your new best (only?) friends: The original line-up of Big Brother 2007 contestants, stripped naked, nude, steamy and possibly asian before your eyes. And if that sentence didn’t make sense, I was just wondering how far my stats would go up if I said steamy nude naked asian Big Brother 2007 in the same sentence. Probably not at all, because I forgot to capitalise ‘Asian’. Well, it’s an adjective isn’t it?

So opens The Svenhunter’s Big Brother 2007 blog. The only one you’ll need. Not that you need one.

NB - Big Brother is a television programme set in a fictional Britain used for the purposes of making people stupider. I know this, despite not having a television, because the powers that Be carpet bomb London with two equally shit “free” “newspapers” every day so you have to read them on the bus if you left your book in PlayLouder’s offices like I did.

ANYWAY.

Zef, another of my talented brothers, has made a thing he calls A Brief History of Audio Format Developments. It is amazing. A bit of it you can see above, unless you have some kind of problem.

In other news, my when I stop pedalling my bike the chain hangs loose and nearly makes me die, and I got a bit drunk in the daytime today filming a video with Lethal Bizzle and his Fire Camp chums. The video will be online within the week.

Oh, we’re filming the video for Babylon’s Burning The Ghetto on Saturday in a secret location in London. We will be setting fire to things and having a riot (in the literal sense, not in the gay sense they say at office parties or whatever). If you wanna come and break stuff, get in touch, and attach a photo cos the director (he did Simian Mobile Disco’s last flick) wants to perv at them.

lethal B’s filming a video tomorrow. He’s filming 2 videos this week. MADMAN.

Anyway, video 2 is for Babylon’s Burning Down The Ghetto, which I produced and sing relatively not-that-badly on. We’re gonna destroy an estate in the video. AHAHAHAHAHA! That will be fun.

Video 1 is being filmed between 12p and 3pm in Shoreditch tomorrow, and is a YouTube video for his cover of House Of Pain’s Jump. If you wanna come, mail me isn’t it.

And if you wanna hear those tunes I mentioned, check the boy’s MySpace.

Yesterday, about 1ish I think, I wished I had a bike.

“I wish I had a bike,” I wished, in my head. I did it with my brain, and words, inside my brain, not just blurry images like sometimes happens, or random acts of pornographic violence. Oh no not at all!

I wished for a bike.

And God said to me, “AK DONOVAN THE THIRD! THERE IS A FINE PURPLE BICYCLE WAITING FOR YOU ON THE INTERNETS!”

I said, “cheers God, you big beardy bastard,” and had a look on Gumtree. Lo! There was indeed, sat there, waiting JUST FOR ME a fine purple bike, with 10 speeds out of 15 still working, a mere ten minutes away from me on a train, and an ever merer 40 quid!

“Shit,” I said, then apologised to anyone that might be there to hear, of which there was no one - it was just me and my X-men pants. Then I rang the number that was written on the web page next to the writing about the bicycle.

“Hello Akira The Don,” said a nice lady, or something like that anyway. “Come round my house and buy my bicycle right now, its great and you will be very glad you did, by the way, great debut LP, you really are quite the renaissance man aren’t you?”

“Yes,” I said. “I’ll be right over.”

And I was. Three stops on the free-train (overground trains have no barriers OR conductors in North London, it just about makes up for the lack of Oyster (spit) access between Stoke Newington railway station and Liverpool Street tube.) and I was wandering around Edmonton Green looking for this lady’s house. Edmonton Green is pretty fucking gully, it has to be said (yes, that was a necessary swear, you leave me alone, I am CREATIVE), but nobody killed me before I knocked on number 14, to be greeted by a perfect family of beaming Thai folks - one man, handsome, barefooted, golden, one lady, sparkly eyes straight out of an advert for joyfulness, one small monkey girl creature climbing the door frame. They looked very glad to see me indeed, and showed me the bike, which I rode, and I liked it a lot so I gave them £40 in cold hard CA$H, and then they talked to me, because I am interesting, and they laughed very hard at every joke I made, and they called their son to the door because they figured I could help him. “Our son has long hair like you,” said the man. “Some of his friends like it it, but some tease him and say he should cut it short like theirs.”

A small monkeychild appeared at the door. He had very exciting teeth and nice floppy black hair. He looked like he should have been running across a beach somewhere hot playing football with his monkey toes. He was fiddling shyly with an action figure.

“Look, this man has long hair AND tattoos,” said his mother. “He is cool.”

“Yes I am,” I agreed. “What is that toy there?”

The boy did not answer, and hid behind his mother, smiling. His sister climbed further up the doorframe, and whispered to her mother, “I like that man’s hair.”

“You are right to,” I winked, and turned my wise attentions to the boy. “Worry not about the opinions of fools,” I said. “You will be glad of that fine mane come the winter. And girls love a man with locks. Trust me, I am an expert.”

The perfect family laughed, a trickle of perfect family laughter, and asked me to join them for dinner. But I had to be away. I had Things to Achieve. So I bid them a good morrow, hopped on my new bike, and tore down their driveway like The Bat Out Of Hell, and managed to go a whole three blocks and a roundabout before falling off the thing and tearing a wet red hole in my left palm with a bit of pavement. That is probably because I am the living incarnation of some kind of mythical, joy bringing genius of some kind. BOOYA!

Oh, I invented a new genre of music today, I need a name for it. It combines rap and thrash and whistlepossemakesome house. And arpeggios. And DOOM. Answers on a postcard, usual address. I am off for a cycle now. LOVE LOVE LOVE!

I guess I’m pretty lucky. I get lots of great letters. I have been meaning to do a letters page for a bit, but they are a bugger to edit. Soon though. Anyway. I got this one yesterday:

I have attached a few neat pictures including the original. What’s up with that? Seriously.”

Indeed. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS COINCIDENCE RICHARD! We are not alone. Remember the blanket. Etc.

I think all this stuff is really neat. There is so much of it, so often, I am amazed when people think its odd. It is NORMAL!

Doesn’t mean its not awesome. But still.

Billy X Sunday, an XXL blogger who’s hatred of Lil Wayne renders half of his posts unreadable, is sometimes a very fucking clever, and succinct communicator. Forsooth:

Hip-Hop music is so much more than just rap and some rap isn’t even really Hip-Hop. It’s just pop music designed to titillate the listener with ideas of sex without love, wealth without a work ethic, and actions without consequences. These are themes for children and idiots. They do a good job of keeping the average adult within a mentality of arrested development. They are unable to learn or develop skills that will provide them with the ability to progress through adulthood. This is what popular music does for its listener. The goal is ultimately to maintain the caste system which we all live under. The rich get richer and the poor, well you already know.

I still like Lil Wayne though.

People hate on Wayne because he is contradictory - humble then arrogant, ignorant then conscious, lucid then baffling… as if that weren’t true of anybody worth a hot got dang.

People hate on Wayne because he publicly kisses his father figure on the lips - as if it weren’t true that only a man fully assured of their sexuality could do such a thing in White Jesus’ America, in this foul year of Our Lord, AD 2007.

People hate on Wayne because he does things like fall in love with women who’ve had sex with other men - the main gripe about his on/off (recently back on) relationship with the rapper Trina is that she’s had sexual intercourse - or has been said to have had sexual intercourse - with a number of rappers, including Wayne’s mentor Baby.

On a new Wayne song just leaked (it’s called Prostitute Flange, hilariously, but only because of the effect that’s on his voice, and American folks’ lack of knowledge of British slang for vagina) dude sings (very badly) about how he wouldn’t care if Trina was a prostitute, and had fucked everybody in town, just as long as she keeps it real with him. People are going nuts. “Wayne your a lil bitch she a hoe you gettin playd”, as one net Stan puts it on the XXL board. This is a man who talks about how, before he was 20, he “must’ve fucked a thousand bitches and they girlfriends”. Which isn’t a rare boast in rap. But as observed by The Independent’s sex columnist Catherine Townsend yesterday, “for men, the only “honest” answer about [a woman’s] sexual history involves the phrase, “yes, you’re the biggest and best I’ve ever had”.

Wayne is a real ass man because he obviously doesn’t give a shit about what anyone thinks about him - his disregard for the traditional male nonsense is refreshing and should be applauded. A lot of that “pride, fuckin’ wit ya” isn’t even real, and was created by swine to keep us down, like wot Billy was saying about bad rap music. Maybe we can all learn something from Lil Wayne.

Thanks Mister Mole for this:

Top 25 Censored Stories of 2007

#1 Future of Internet Debate Ignored by Media

#2 Halliburton Charged with Selling Nuclear Technologies to Iran

#3 Oceans of the World in Extreme Danger

#4 Hunger and Homelessness Increasing in the US

#5 High-Tech Genocide in Congo

#6 Federal Whistleblower Protection in Jeopardy

# 7 US Operatives Torture Detainees to Death in Afghanistan and Iraq

#9 The World Bank Funds Israel-Palestine Wall

#10 Expanded Air War in Iraq Kills More Civilians

#11 Dangers of Genetically Modified Food Confirmed

#12 Pentagon Plans to Build New Landmines

#13 New Evidence Establishes Dangers of Roundup

#14 Homeland Security Contracts KBR to Build Detention Centers in the US

#15 Chemical Industry is EPA’s Primary Research Partner

#16 Ecuador and Mexico Defy US on International Criminal Court

#17 Iraq Invasion Promotes OPEC Agenda

#18 Physicist Challenges Official 9-11 Story

#19 Destruction of Rainforests Worst Ever

#20 Bottled Water: A Global Environmental Problem

#21 Gold Mining Threatens Ancient Andean Glaciers

#22 $Billions in Homeland Security Spending Undisclosed

#23 US Oil Targets Kyoto in Europe

#24 Cheney’s Halliburton Stock Rose Over 3000 Percent Last Year

#25 US Military in Paraguay Threatens Region

Go here for a very in depth look at this nonsense, some of which even I (ho ho) was unaware of.

In other news, it seems The Bees are retaliating. The BBC reports, “almost 200 passengers found themselves stranded at Bournemouth Airport for 11 hours after their plane turned back after flying into a swarm of bees… the incident happened just two days after a swarm of 20,000 bees descended on Bournemouth Pier.”

Thanks Adam Fletcher for that one.

By the way! My boy Bashy was on Westwood last night…. cop the replay here.

AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Beastie Boys have turned into Pink Floyd.

Gosh.

PS! What with all the site weirdness, I forgot to mention, you can hear another track off of Stunners 130, which is called California Stunners, gaily, here.

SAFE!

Just so’s you’se knows, I had to get a new CD presser after the last one went all corporate on my ass over samples and things, so release has gone back a week. There are folks that do quicker turnrounds, but they don’t do nice jewel cases, and it is blatantly all about the nice jewel cases, non?

Nicki Minaj is the nicest emcee I have heard in what they sometimes call a hot minute.

Obviously, I herad her on the Lil Wayne mixtape. I shall not front. That “you be Harry Potter I’ll be Hermoine” line kinda weirded me out, but it did stick like Smash Hits posters in ‘87. Today I heard a couple more of her tracks, and she is bananas. She’s not saying much other than “I like money” and “I like dick” right now, but then neither’s her new label boss, and he was my favourite emcee till last week. It’s not what she’s saying, it’s HOW SHE’S SAYING IT.

Hit me.

There is a situation causing me grief right now, that is, apparently, intimately connected to the following horrorful event:

TWO men were abducted, attacked and robbed in Stoke Newington
last week.

Police are appealing for witnesses and anyone with any
information should call Det Sgt Mike Wade at Hackney CID on
020 7275 3644, or Crimestoppers on 0800 555 111.

What this means? It means I may soon be looking for new walls. In Stoke Newington. All rich people with spare houses they wish to be inhabited for small sums, be in touch.

Proof that propaganda has not got any less subtle since those Reds under those Beds..

It’s summer outside!

It’s Summer outside!

I AM SO HAPPY!

@!@!@!@!

Happy Birthday Akira, Adam, AK Donovan!!!

It’s the lad’s Birthday today so on behalf of the WORLD I am saying happy bloody birthday!

We all love you man! x

I dunno how many of you have noticed, but this website has died three times this month already. I don’t know why, but over the past few months this website has gotten stupidly popular (woo hah), to the point where a bandwith allowance that used to last a month now lasts just over a week. I am about to run out again, and given my rent’s due shortly, those Stunners CDs need paying for today, ETC., I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to keep this ugly red bitch afloat. We shall see. But if this thing dies any time soon, you’ll know why.

In other news, the new Kanye joint is really beautiful. And Kanye’s a clever man. I was wondering what it was that was so great about Young Jeezy’s records the other day. I realised it was the adlibs. Now, dudes like me and Kanye would sound silly going “YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH! AH HAAA!” all over our songs. Kanye’s solution? Get someone else to do it. Result? Large sounding song. Clever dude.

Perhaps, trance is the most uplifting music in the world.

Or, perhaps, it is Motown.

That’s pretty much all I listen to right now, anyway.

Anyway. Bees. Me Mole sent me a link to a story that poses the theory that it’s fungus killing the bees. Which is interesting.

Speaking of which, Jeff Wells is back. Hurrah! Ish. He can be rather traumatising.

Anyway. RIP Milkshake.

You should all come to this then, it will be dope. Mr The Biz will be playing a bunch of the hot new shit off of his hot new album, including some of the stuff produced by ME! If you look at the bottom there, you’ll see the first single is a double A Side of Bizzle Bizzle and Babylon’s Burning The Ghetto, the latter of which I produced and sang a bit on. Everybody, including the surviving Rutts, who get sampled on it, thinks its ace, apart from my Dad, who doesn’t, but no one cares what he thinks anymore cos he’s old.

HAW!

Keep an ear out for the Burn The Gallows remix, which is monstertruck. I am forming a hardcore rock band off the back of hearing that. I’ve been meaning to for ages. I think it is time.

By the way, anyone know any good bassists who aren’t dickheads?

Edit - My father writes: “Your latest blog entry sucks - it’s the Ruts not Rutts ffs!!! xxx”

Which is fair…

“Millions of bees have simply vanished. In most cases, all that’s left in the hives are the doomed offspring. But dead bees are nowhere to be found — neither in nor anywhere close to the hives.”
www.spiegel.de

So, remember we were talking about the bees? How bee populations across the US and Europe are declining at rates of up to 80%? How hives are just emptying? About how, without bees, we will be so fucked, so quickly, we’ll long for the days of global warming and impending nuclear war, what with the bees being the things that pollinate all the crops and stuff? Hmm?

Well. There has been a bit of a development.

Initially it was thought that perhaps it was mobile phones making the bees bugger off. However! A report on science technology website Red Ice Creations cites a quote from environmental activist and organic beekeeper Sharon Labchuk, who sates:

“I’m on an organic beekeeping list of about 1,000 people, mostly Americans, and no one in the organic beekeeping world, including commercial beekeepers, is reporting colony collapse on this list. The problem with the big commercial guys is that they put pesticides in their hives to fumigate for varroa mites, and they feed antibiotics to the bees. They also haul the hives by truck all over the place to make more money with pollination services, which stresses the colonies.”

Meanwhile, Germany’s Spiegel Online points to - duh - genetic modification.

“Experts believe that the large-scale use of genetically modified plants in the US could be a factor,” say they.

“”We’ve been pushing them too hard”, Dr. Peter Kevan, an associate professor of environmental biology at the University of Guelph in Ontario, told the CBC. “And we’re starving them out by feeding them artificially and moving them great distances.” Given the stress commercial bees are under, Kevan suggests CCD might be caused by a combination of parasitic mites, pesticides and genetically modified crops.”

So Mister Brown! Let us have no more piffle about goshdang “eco towns”, thank you very much! We demand action on the bee crisis! We demand bee towns! It is my suggestion that Camden Town is levelled, and replaced with a giant hive. Those with me say “bzzz”.

Under The Rainbow (Remix) ft Dego Brown & Morty is on the MP3 page. Plus I’ve added the Back In The Day, Thanks For All The AIDS, and Gitmo (ft Narstie) acapellas to the very same MP3s page, cos I am nice. Enjoy!

@!

Be like my brother Alex!

He knows what time it is.

TIME TO BUY A T SHIRT FOOL!

That’s the time. Yeeeeeah.

Ten quid to you, you fine creature.

PS - You Don’t Need PayPal, You Can Use A CARD! See bottom half of the page you get to when you click buy.

Size	Small WOMANMedium WOMANSmall MANMedium MAN

This did run on PlayLouder last week, while I was driving around in a flash car with no roof listening to Mogwai and not getting much sun in Mallorca with the PPF. But that goon Jeres edited all the passion out of it, then refused to admit I was right, the vicious Cornish swinemonger. So here, in its original glory, is that legendary meeting of minds, the event of the century…

Read more…

Harry Morton writes:

“Hello!

I was listening to some Frank Sinatra the other day and found that the
intro to ‘The Way You Look Tonight’ is awesome, so I thought I had to
use it for something. So I did:

www.hmorton.net/music/thanks_for_aids_jazzed.mp3

Nothing special, an hours work or so, but just thought I may as well
send it your way for your amusement.

Cheers,
-Harry.

P.S. Do you usually put reverb on rap vocals?”

I don’t usually. Some folks do though. Anyway. That remix is pritty lush! I like it. And since we still haven’t sorted out the remix section of this site (and we have a buttload for you to hear), you should cop that in the interim. So cheers Harry Morton!

Hey, you know wehat else is lush? The 213 album. I keep coming back to it. I think it is a classic. In any genre. It is such awesome music. Really. Do not sleep (which is a hip-hop expression that menas “do not ignore”, not stay awake all night eating pro plus and sweating like a fool).

Hello, I am back from my first holiday EVAH (apart from that one when I was 14) and I am safe and well, thanks for asking.

Lots of you, however, did mail saying you’d been trying to buy 12″es and you couldn’t. This is because PayPal thought I was selling illegal stuff. As if! I am a good person, with no hate in his heart. OBVIOUSLY.

Anyway, they have since appologised, and uncancelled my ability to be a capitalist pig. I think there are 15 or so copies of that 12″ left (the pile looks about that big), so if you still want one, go here -

http://www.akirathedon.com/2007/04/buy_1.php

Safety!

@!

PS = a special gift for you tommorrow!